

SJOISON&i 

PUBLISHERS CHKAfl 




DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Partial List of Successful and Popular Plays. Large Catalogue Free. 
Price 15c each, Postpaid, Unless Different Price Is Given 



DRAMAS, COMEDIES, 
ENTERTAINMENTS, Etc. 

M. F. 

Aaron Boggs, Freshman, 3 

acts, 2y 2 hrs (25c) 8 8 

Abbu San of Old Japan, "2 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 15 

After the Game, 2 acts, 1% 

hrs (25c) 1 9 

All a Mistake, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 4 4 

All on Account of Polly, 3 acts, 

214 hrs (25c) 6 10 

American Hustler, 4 acts, 2*4 

hrs (25c) 7 4 

As a Woman Thinketh, 3 acts, 

2% hrs (25c) 9 7 

At the End of the Rainbow, 3 

acts, 2Y A hrs: (25c) 6 14 

Bank Cashier, 4 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 8 4 

Black Heifer, 3 acts, 2 h. (25c) 9 3 
Boy Scout Hero, 2 acts, 1^4 hrs. 

(25c) 17 

Brookdale Farm, 4 acts, 2J4 

hrs (25c) 7 3 

Brother Josiah, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 7 4 

Burns Rebellion, 1 hr (25c) 8 5 

Busy Liar, 3 acts, 2yl h. (25c) 7 4 
Civil Sendee, 3 acts, 2^ hrs. 

(25c) 6 5 

College Town, 3 acts, 2)4 

hrs (25c) 9 8 

Danger Signal, 2 acts, 2 hrs.. 7 4 
Daughter of the Desert, 4 

acts, 234 hrs. .. (25c) 6 4 

Deacon Dubbs, 3 acts, 2*4 hrs. 

(25c) ...., 5 5 

Deacon Entangled, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 

(25c) 6 4 

Down in Dixie, 4 acts, 2 T 4 

hrs. ...* (25c) 8 4 

Dream That Came True, 3 

acts, 2 l / A hrs .(25c) 6 13 

Editor-in-Chief, 1 hr....(25c) 10 
Enchanted Wood, IH h.(35c).Optnl. 
Everyyouth, 3 acts, \ { / 2 h. (25c) 7 6 
Face at the Window, 3 acts, 2 

hrs .....(25c) 4 4 

Fun on the Podunk Limited, 

1% hrs (25c) 9 14 

Heiress of Hoetown, 3 acts, 2 

hrs ...(2*5c) 8 4 

Her Honor, the Mavor, 3 acts, 

2 hrs. '......(25c) 3 5 

High School Freshman, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 12 

Honor of a Cowboy, 4 acts, 2 1 / & 

hrs (25c) 13 4 

Indian Days, 1 hr (50c) 5 2 



M. F. 

In ]Plum Valley, 4 acts, - . 

hrs (25c) 6 4 

Iron Hand, 4 acts, 2 hrs.. (25c) 5 4 
Jayville Junction, 1% hrs. (25c) 14 17 
Kicked Out of College, 3 acts, 

214 hrs (25c) 10 9 

Kingdom of Heart's Content, 3 

acts, 2Y A hrs (25c) 6 12 

Laughing Cure, 2 acts, 1^4 hrs. 

(25c) 4 5 

Lexington, 4 acts, 2 l 4 h..(25c) 9 4 
Little Buckshot, 3 acts, 2% hrs. 

C5c) 7 4 

Lodge of Kye Tyes, 1 hr.(25c)13 
Man from Borneo, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 5 2 

Mirandy's Minstrels (25c) Optnl. 

Mrs. Tubbs of Shantytown, 3 

acts, 214 hrs (25c) 4 7 

New Woman, 3 acts 1 hr.... 3 6 
Old Maid's Club, \y 2 hrs. (25c) 2 16 
Old Oaken Bucket, 4 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 8 6 

Old School at Hick'ry Holler, 

134 hrs. (25c) 12 9 

On the Little Big Horn, 4 acts, 

2% hrs (25c) 10 4 

Out in the Streets, 3 acts, 1 hr. 6 4 
Parlor Matches, 2 acts, \ l / 2 hrs. 

(25c) 4 5 

Poor Married Man, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 4 4 

Prairie Rose, 4 acts, iy 2 h.(25c) 7 4 

Rummage Sale, 50 min 4 10 

Rustic Romeo, 2 acts, 

hrs (25c) 10 12 

Savageland, 2 acts, 2)/ 2 hrs. (50c) 5 5 
School Ma'am, 4 acts, 1H hrs. 6 5 
Scrap of Paper,- 3 acts, 2 hrs.. 6 6 
Sowing for the Heathen, 40 min. 9 
Southern Cinderella, 3 acts, 2 

hrs (25c) 7 

Star Bright, 3 acts, 2% h. (25c) 6 5 
Teacher, Kin I Go Home? 2 

scenes, 35 min 7 3 

Those Dreadful Twins, 3 acts, 

2 hrs (25c) 6 4 

Thread of Destiny, 3 acts, 

hrs (25c) 9 16 

Tony, the Convict, 5 acts, 

hrs (25c) 7 4 

Town Marshal, 4 acts, 

hrs ..(25c) 6 3 

Trial of Hearts, 4 acts, 2^4 hrs. 

(25c) 6 13 

Trip to Storvland, 1% hrs.(25c) 17 23 
Uncle Josh, 4 acts, 2J4 hrs. (25c) 8 3 
Under Blue Skies, 4 acts. 2 

hrs (25c) 7 10 

Under the Laurels, 5 acts, 2 hrs. 6 4 
When the Circus Came to 

Town, 3 acts, 2# hrs. (25c) 5 3 



T.S.DENISON & COMPANY,Publishers f 154W.RandolphSt., Chicago 



A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 

AN AMERICAN COMEDY-DRAMA 
In Three Acts 



BY 

WALTER BEN HARE 

AUTHOR OF MORE THAN ONE HUNDRED PLAYS 
INCLUDING 

"Aaron Boggs, Freshman" "Abbu San of Old Japan" "And Home 
Came Ted" "Civil Service" "A College Town" "A Country 
Boy Scout" "Deacon Dubbs" "A Dream of Queen Esther" 
"The Fascinators" "Kicked Out of College" "Laughing 
Water" "Macbeth a la Mode," "Mrs. Tubbs Does Her 
Bit" "Mrs. Tubbs of Shantytown" "An Old 
Fashioned Mother" "Parlor Matches" "A Poor 
Married Man" "Rose o' My Heart" "A Rus- 
tic Romeo" "Savageland" "Sewing for the 
Heathen" "A Southern Cinderella" "The 
White Christmas and Other Merry 
Christmas Plays" Etc, 




CHICAGO 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY 

Publishers 



A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 



CHARACTERS. 

Septimus Green A Young Book Agent, Full of Pep 

Ocey Gump A Fresh Country Product, by Heck! 

George CiiiGGERSON.^n Innocent Little Lamb from the City 
Mrs. Chiggerson-Boggs 

His Doting Mamma, with a Smooth Scheme 

Miss Julietta Bean 

.A Splinterville Boarding-house Keeper 

Charmian Carter Who Thinks She's a Vampire 

Judy A Little Clodhopper from the Poor-house 

Country Folks. 



Act I — Front room in Miss Bean's boarding-house. An 
evening in April. The theft ! 

Act II — Two months later. A room in the city home of 
Mrs. Chiggerson-Boggs. A couple of weddings. Out in 
the storm ! 

Act III — Three weeks later. Same scene as Act. II. The 
man from Texas. Blackmail ! 



Time — The Present. 



Place — Splinterville, Missouri, and the (< city: 



Time of Playing — About Two Hours. 



Notice. — Production of this play is free to amateurs, but the sole 
professional rights are reserved by the author, who may be ad- 
dressed in care of the Publishers. Moving picture rights re- 
served. 

COPYRIGHT, 1918, BY WALTER BEN HARE. 
2 

JUL 15 1918 ©CID 49971 






A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 



STORY OF THE PLAY. 



The author's idea in writing "A Little Clodhopper" was to 
present to the public an effective comedy-drama of Amer- 
ican life that could be produced with success almost any- 
where and by amateurs with little or no experience and with 
very limited stage facilities in the way of scenery, costumes, 
properties, etc. 

The play is a catchy, active comedy with dramatic cli- 
maxes at the end of each act. Judy is a little clodhopper 
from the poor-house — a merry, trusting, innocent, mischiev- 
ous little romp. Her father deserted her years before, but 
now is a rich man in a hospital in Texas. He writes to 
the scheming Mrs. Chiggerson-Boggs, who was the former 
matron of the poor-house, and asks her to locate his lost 
child. Mrs. Boggs, knowing that Judy is an heiress, deter- 
mines to marry her to her son, George, a city dude. 

The first act shows Miss Bean's boarding-house in the 
country where Judy- is assisting in the kitchen. Mrs. Boggs 
arrives to take Judy to the city. But the child is wary and 
knows Mrs. Boggs to be a cruel woman and refuses to leave 
the country. A city actress, one Charmian Carter, is in love 
with George and follows him to the country. She learns of 
the plot to marry him to Judy and falsely accuses Judy of 
being a thief. Mrs. Boggs promises not to press the charge 
if the little clodhopper will consent to come with her to the 
city. Judy reluctantly consents and determines to prove 
that she is no thief. A dashing, talkative young book-agent, 
the sentimental Miss Julietta Bean, and the country boob, 
Ocey Gump, furnish unlimited comedy throughout the play. 

In the second act, which takes place two months after 
the first, George has married Charmian without his mother's 
knowledge, and when she learns the truth she finds Judy 
of no more use to her and turns her out in the storm alone 
in the great city. She is rescued by the kind-hearted Ocey 
Gump, who has married Miss Bean and come to the city on a 
wedding "tower." 

The third act takes place in Mrs. Boggs' home three weeks 
later. A man pretending to be Judy's father turns up to 



4 A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 

claim his daughter. Mrs. Boggs tries to palm off Charmian 
as the heiress when the mysterious visitor tells them that he 
is not wealthy after all, but must live with his daughter and 
George, her husband. Mrs. Boggs orders him from the 
place and calls the police. Ocey, now a city policeman, 
answers the call and brings his wife, Julietta, and the little 
clodhopper Judy with him. All ends happily with the 
scheming Mrs. Boggs gratefully accepting an offer to play 
the piano in a moving-picture show to be managed by George 
and Charmian. Judy finds her father and learns that he is 
really the wealthy man she supposed him to be. 



PROPERTIES. 

Old fashioned country furniture. 
Bandana for Ocey. 
Knitting in bag for Mrs. C. B. 
Card and bound book for Sep. 
Roll of money wrapped in cloth for Mrs. C. B. 
Old coat and hat for Judy. 
Piano and fancy furniture for Acts I and II. 
Money in purse for Mrs. C. B. 
Knitting for Charmian. 
Bell to be rung off stage (door-bell). 

Rain effect (to be worked off stage, roll some dried peas 
around in a cigar box and tap with fingers on bass drum). 



SYNOPSIS FOR PROGRAM. 

Act I — A birthday party in the country. The old maid 
and the boob. "When the chicken gits 'round to me there 
won't be nothin' left but half a gizzard and a tail-feather." 
The scheming Mrs. Boggs and her dainty son George, from 
the city. The party arrive. Green, the book-agent, who is 
not as green as he seems to be, joins the festivities. "The 
fellers is kissin' the girls jest awful, it wasn't no place fer 
a minister's son." Judy, the waif from the poor-house, is 
accused of theft. "I'll prove who's the thief — you or me !" 

Act II — The home of Mrs. Boggs in the city. Judy takes 



A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 5 

a dancing lesson with sad results. "George ain't desperate 
enough to kill a full-grown Mizzoury muskeeter." Mrs. 
Boggs arranges the marriage between George and Judy, but 
her plans do not work out as she intended. Judy and the 
cute book-agent. "What is love?" Duet introduced. 
George marries Charmian and Judy is thrown out in the 
storm. Saved by Ocey, the boob from Splinterville. 

Act III — Same scene as Act II, three weeks later. George 
and Charmian have a troubled honeymoon obscured by a 
cloud — and. Mrs. Boggs is the cloud. A blackmail scheme. 
Mrs. Boggs passes Charmian off as Judy. The sick old 
man from Texas. "You'll find your daughter back in the 
Splinterville poor-house." Mrs. Boggs calls the police. 
Ocey responds, bringing Judy with him. "You ain't my 
daddy at all." Mrs. Boggs decides to go to work. Septimus 
says, "I wouldn't trade places with a millionaire. Me and 
my little clodhopper !" Happy ending. 



COSTUMES AND CHARACTERISTICS. 

Septimus — A bright, confident, loud speaking, good look- 
ing young chap of about 22. Neat summer costume. Straw 
hat. Calling cards and a bound book always in evidence. 
In Act II change costume to another summer suit and hat. 
In Act III wear white or gray wig, whiskers to match, also 
eyebrows of false hair. Line the face with gray grease- 
paint and wear old fashioned spectacles. Old man's suit, 
too large for him (he might use a little padding). Stetson 
hat. Heavy cane. Walk slowly and bend over. Use high- 
pitched, querulous voice, but not to point of burlesque. 
Note : The audience must not recognize Septimus until he 
throws off his disguise. 

Ocey — Slow, stupid clodhopper. Freckled face, line eyes 
with white grease-paint, extend mouth slightly with red. 
Yellow or red crop wig and paint eyebrows to match it. 
Gingham shirt, striped socks, low shoes, overalls. In Act 
II he wears a tan suit much too small for him, celluloid 
collar, red necktie, small straw hat, large bouquet in button- 



6 A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 

hole, white socks, etc. In Act III complete policeman's 
uniform, brass buttons, helmet, club, etc. 

George — A city dude. Very stylish summer suits 
throughout the play. Acts wishy-washy at all times. This 
is a great character part and never fails to make the audience 
scream with laughter at its absurdities. 

Mrs. Chiggerson-Boggs — A tall, commanding woman of 
45. Must have a loud, clear-speaking voice and some 
dramatic ability as this is the most difficult role in the play. 
Gray hair. Summer dresses in the height of fashion. 
Change for each act. 

Miss Julietta Bean— Caricature old maid. Side curls or 
hair in extravagant knob at back or on top. Large comb. 
Old fashioned costumes of brilliant colors. Artificial 
flowers, feathers, jewelry, lodge badges, etc., add to the 
baroque effect. Face wrinkled with gray grease-paint. 

Charmian — Handsome brunette of about 22. Large 
white hat, white coat suit and 'summer furs for Act I. Ex- 
travagant summer street costume in Act II, and beautiful 
house dress in Act III. 

Judy — Soubrette star role. Wig of long yellow curls. 
Ragged shoes and torn stockings in Act I with tattered 
short skirt, torn waist and old coat and hat. Neat summer 
dress (longer) in Act II. Neat street dress (summer) in 
Act III, with summer furs, etc. 

Country Folks — Extravagant, old fashioned party cos- 
tumes (summer). 



A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 



SCENE PLOT. 



Act I. 



/ O Desk Q Stand with Q \ 

/ «•. • Flowers \ 

-*- Easy Chair - A - 

Door Door 



Large Table 

O I I Och 



air 



Old Sofa 



Ri g h Y Chair ' ' *— 1 \Left 

Rag carpet on floor. Stand of flowers in rear left corner. 
Old fashioned furniture. 



Acts II and III. 

/7^ \ 

/ Screen Chair \ 

Door ^ Door 

Riaht TCXpiano Chai '0 □ O "T , ft 

Kigny ^ with Bench Fancy Chair \ Left 

/ Table \ 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

R. means right of stage; C, center; R. C, right center; 
L., left; i E.j first entrance; U. E., upper entrance; R J E., 
right entrance up stage, etc. ; up stage, away from footlights ; 
down stage, near footlights. The actor is supposed to be 
facing the audience. 



A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 



Act I. 

An evening in April. 

Scene: Miss Bean's sitting-room. Rag carpet. Plenty 
of old fashioned furniture. Old sofa at left front. Large 
table with three chairs at right front. Easy chair at center 
rear. Stand of bright flowers at left rear. A fireplace may 
appear at right rear, but this is not essential. Use all the 
old-time furniture that you can borrozv for this scene, but 
do not overcrowd the stage. 

When the curtain rises Ocey Gump is discovered 
seated in easy chair at rear center facing the audience. He 
is sound asleep, his feet are stretched out in front of him 
and a bandana handkerchief is over his eyes. He snores at 
intervals. There is a pronounced pause long enough for 
the audience to absorb the picture. 

Julietta Bean (off the stage at right). Ocey, Ocey, 
where are you? I do declare that boy'll be the death of me. 
(Calls) Ocey, Ocey Gump! (She enters from right and 
comes down front to center, not seeing Ocey.) I'll bet a red 
apple he's asleep somewhere. He sleeps more than any 
hired man I ever had on the place, but he's the cutest thing ! 
(Ocey snores.) And he's got the most musical voice of any 
boy in Splinterville, Missouri. (Ocey snores.) Oh, would 
you look at that ! (Advances toward him, keeping on right 
of stage.) It's him. I'd know them feet if I met 'em on 
the golden streets of Jericho. Ain't he the cutest thing! 
(Ocey snores.) I reckon that fly is pestering him. (Ocey 
slaps at imaginary fly.) Ain't he a reg'lar moving picture. 
Every motion is just full of grace. 

Ocey Gump (slaps viciously at fly, falls from chair to 
floor, azvakens and rubs eyes). Say, who hit me? 

Tulietta (at rear right). Nobody hit you. It was only 
a fly. 



A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 9 

Ocey. Well, shoo him away. (Goes to sleep on floor.) 

Julietta (goes to him and shakes him). Here, here, 
Ocey, wake up. It's after five o'clock and my company will 
begin to come pretty soon. Wake up ! (Shakes him.) 

Ocey (sings). Please go way and let me sleep. 

Julietta. Wake up. It's time for the party. (He 
snores.) I've got the supper all on the table. 

Ocey (suddenly awakes and sits upright). Supper? Did 
you say supper? 

Julietta. That's what I said. Have you forgot what 
day this is? 

Ocey (gets up lazily). I dunno what day it is, but I 
know it's April. 

Julietta (at rear, right of center). It's my birthday, 
Ocey. And I just finished setting the table. We got seven 
kinds of cake. 

Ocey (standing near her, but at rear C). Seven? (Rolls 
his eyes upward.) Oh, happy day! 

Julietta. And stewed chicken and dumplings, baked 
ham and all the fixings and two whole fried chickens. 

Ocey (rolls eyes as before). Jerusalem, I'm glad I'm 
living. 

Julietta (nearer to him). The ice cream is all froze 
and the mince pie is just a-oozing through the crust. 

Ocey (with closed lips). Umm, umm! Let her ooze, 
Miss Bean, let her ooze. 

Julietta. And cider ! Aunt Serilly Sourdough sent me 
purt' nigh five gallon. And you're going to set right next 
to me at the table. You got to do the carving. 

Ocey (smiles changing to gloom). Who is? 

Jxjlietta. Why, you, of course. 

Ocey. That means that I gotta pass it to everybody 
else afore I gits mine, don't it? (She nods.) Yes, and by 
the time that there chicken gits around to me there won't 
be nothin' left 'ceptin' half a gizzard and a tail-feather. 
You got some awful hogs invited to your party, Miss Bean. 

Julietta. Very well, then, I'll do the carving myself. 



10 A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 

Ocey. Gimme plenty of white meat, Miss Julietta, and 
I don't keer who gits the drumsticks. 

Julietta. Well, go out and get some wood for the 
kitchen stove and then help Samanthy dish up the ice cream. 

Ocey. Yes'm, I'm a goin\ (Crosses to door at right.) 
But remember to go kinder easy on them gizzards, but go 
as fur as you please on the white meat. I certainly do love 
my chicken. (Exits at right.) 

Julietta (looking after him). Ain't he the cutest thing? 

. Enter Mrs. Chiggerson-Boggs from left, followed by 
George Chiggerson. She carries knitting. 

Mrs. Chiggerson-Boggs (comes to left of center). Miss 
Bean, I've been wanting to speak to you. 

Julietta (comes to her at center). Yes? I hope you 
found your room all right. 

Mrs. C. B. (sits at front, on sofa left of center). Oh, 
yes, it is quite as well as could be expected here in the coun- 
try. Of course it isn't like our place at home, but I can put 
up with it. I would like to have you put an extra quilt on 
Georgie's bed. He's delicate, you know. 

Julietta. All right, Mrs. Boggs. 

Mrs. C. B. Chiggerson-Boggs, Miss Bean, with a hyphen. 

Julietta. Oh, yes, I meant Chiggerson-Boggs. 

Mrs. C. B. And we want all of our meals to be served 
in our rooms. 

Julietta. Very well, but that'll be extry. 

Mrs. C. B. Oh, that makes no difference to me. Georgie 
can't bear to eat in the dining-room with other boarders. 
He's so refined. (Looks at George, who is seated at front 
left.) Straighten up your shoulders, Georgie. 

George. But, mothah, it hurts to keep 'em straight all the 
time. I can't stand it. I simply can't stand it. 

Mrs. C. B. Very well, then, keep them as straight as 
you can. You're not sitting in a draft, are you? 

George (impatiently). Of course not. 

Mrs. C. B. It would be fatal if you sat in a draft. 

Julietta (standing at right front, speaks to audience). 
A good strong draft might blow him away. 



A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 11 

Mrs. C. B. He's such a delicate young man. Have you 
any other boarders in the house at present, Miss Bean? 

Julietta. Just one. He's a lovely young man. His 
name is Green. Septimus Green, and he sells books. 
(Crosses to center front.) 

Mrs. C. B. Georgie, you mustn't associate with him until 
I'm sure that he is quite proper. (Looks at Julietta.) I 
have to be so careful with Georgie. He's been as carefully 
brought up as a princess of the royal blood. I hope this Mr. 
Green hasn't any bad habits. 

Julietta. Oh, I'm sure he ain't. Just smokes a little 
maybe. 

Mrs. C. B. (to George). Son, you positively mustn't 
associate with him. Mamma won't allow it. 

Julietta. Doesn't your son smoke? 

Mrs. C. B. Smoke? Georgie, smoke? With his heart? 

Julietta. No, I mean with his mouth. A cigar or a 
pipe. 

Mrs. C. B. Certainly not. It would be fatal for him to 
smoke. 

George. But I'm going to some day, mothah. Just as 
soon as I'm twenty-two. 

Mrs. C. B. Never. 

George. I will. You promised me I could as soon as I 
was twenty-two. If I can't smoke I'll go in swimming and 
take cold and get the pneumonia. 

Mrs. C. B. But it will make you deathly sick to smoke, 
and it's such a nasty habit. 

George. All the other fellows smoke, mcthah. Some of 
'em aren't as old as I am. I'm over twenty-one and I think 
you should allow me to do as I please. 

Mrs. C. B. But you are so delicate. 

George. I don't care if I am ; I'm going to try it anyway. 

Mrs. C. B. (turns to Julietta, who has acted disgusted 
at the preceding conversation). Miss Bean, I don't suppose 
you remember me? 

Julietta. Your face does seem kind of familiar. When 
I saw you get off the train this morning I said to Ocey 



12 A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 

Gump, Ocey's my hired man, I says, "Ocey, I've seen her 
before," but I can't fer the life of me think where. 

Mrs. C. B. I used to live here in Splinterville. 

Julietta (astonished) . You did? 

Mrs. C. B. Ten years ago I was the matron at the poor- 
house. I was only here a year and I don't like to talk about 
it. I was Mrs. Chiggerson then. You remember it, don't 
you, Georgie? You were eleven years old. 

George (languidly). Oh, no, mothah, I never remember 
anything. 

Mrs. C. B. Then I moved to the city and married Mr. 
Boggs. Mr. Cyrus K. Boggs of the Boggs Lumber Corpora- 
tion. Poor Cyrus! (Puts handkerchief to her eyes.) He 
died eight years ago, and I've been a widow ever since. 

Julietta. That's too bad. 

Mrs. C. B. (looks at George). Georgie, your mouth is 
open. 

George. Yes, mothah, I opened it. 

Mrs. C. B. You'd better close it, son. You look ever so 
much more intellectual with your mouth closed. 

George. Yes, mothah. (Closes mouth, stares at audi- 
ence.) 

Mrs. C. B. My visit to Splinterville, Miss Bean, is for a 
twofold purpose. First, I have sold the old Biggins place. 

Julietta (much interested). You have? Who to? 

Mrs. C. B. To Ezra Beanbiler. I'm to meet him at the 
lawyer's office at half past five. 

Julietta. Well, well, well ! I reckon he's going to git 
married to Jennie Weathersby at last. 

Mrs. C. B. And, secondly, I have decided to adopt a little 
girl who used to be at the Orphan Asylum. Maybe you can 
tell me what has become of her. Let me see, she's about 
seventeen years old now. Her name is Judy Elliott. Do 
you know her? 

Julietta. Know Judy? Well, I reckon I do. Every- 
body in the county knows Judy. 

Mrs. C. B. Is she still at the poor-house? 

Julietta. Yes, she is, that is, off and on. They've got 



A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 13 

her a dozen or more places but she don't seem to hold 'em. 
She'd rather work in the fields with the men. Folks here- 
abouts call her the little clodhopper. 

Mrs. C. B. That is worse than I feared. I suppose she's 
a perfect little heathen? 

Julietta. No'm, she ain't. She's got a real good heart 
and she kin work as good as a man. She's just full of 
mischief, that's all. Was you figgerin' on takin' her to the 
city? 

Mrs. C. B. Yes, that is if I can stand her. I remember 
when she was a little child at the poor-house she was very 
wilful. But I took quite a liking to her and I intend to 
employ her as a maid. 

Enter Septimus Green from left, followed by three or 
four country boys and girls. 

Septimus. Come right in, folks. Here's our fair hostess 
now. Miss Bean, Miss Julietta Bean, your party is arriving. 
(Stands at rear left.) 

Julietta. Dear, dear! (Shakes hands with boys and 
girls.) I certainly am glad to see all of you. Come in and 
make yourselves to home. Take off your things and bring 
them in here. (Leads boys and girls off to right.) 

Septimus (comes down center, speaks to Mrs. C. B.). 
Ah, madam, a stranger? Allow me to introduce myself. I 
am Septimus Green, of Greenville, Green County, Green 
Township in the Green Bay State. My name is Green, 
madam, but I'm not as green as I seem to be. Have a card. 
( Offers a card.% 

Mrs. C. B. No, thank you. 

Septimus (puts card in his pocket). Oh, very well. A 
trivial circumstance, but no matter, no matter at all. Before 
I deign to ask your name, if you will permit a little busi- 
ness before pleasure, madam, I am a public benefactor. 

Mrs. C. B. Indeed? 

Septimus. Yes, madam, I am doing my bit to enlighten 
a benighted public by spreading before them a wonderful 
work of knowledge, four volumes bound in half calf, nearly 
three thousand pages, to be exact two thousand eight hun- 






14 A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 

dred and ninety-four, two hundred and twelve illustrations 
and thirty hand-colored plates. Now, madam, the book — 

Mrs. C. B. I am not interested in books, young man. I 
have a library full of books at my town house. 

Septimus. That may be, madam, but there is no book 
like my wonderful book of knowledge. See here is the 
first volume {produces book). Chapter one is on the Origin 
of Man. 

Mrs. C. B. (rises). Young man, I am a boarder here in 
this house and I do not intend to be bored by you. 

Septimus (laughs). That's good. That's awfully good. 
You're just like the end man in the minstrel show. You 
are a boarder, but you won't be bored. Ha, ha ! You ought 
to see the third volume of my wonderful book. It is called 
Jokes, Jingles and Witty Sayings. You'd just laugh your- 
self to death if you read that volume. 

Enter Julietta from right. 

Julietta. Have any more of the folks come? 

Septimus. No, I don't think so. Many happy returns 
of your birthday, Miss Bean. May you live to be a hun- 
dred and have every wish your little heart desires. (He 
goes to Julietta at right and shakes hands with her.) 

Julietta (giggles). Oh, Mr. Green, you do say the 
loveliest things ! 

Mrs. C. B. Miss Bean, I suppose the lawyer's office is 
down by the postoffice in the same old place ? 

Julietta. Yes'm, things ain't changed much in Splinter- 
ville in the past forty years. I 

Mrs. C. B. Then I'd better hurry. Ezry Beanbiler wrote 
me that he'd meet me there at half past five. Georgie, be 
a good boy while mamma's away. You will, won't you? 

George. Oh, yes, mothah. 

Mrs. C. B. (hands him knitting bag). Here, you finish 
this garment while I'm gone. It will keep you out of mis- 
chief. (George knits.) 

George. Yes, mothah. 

Mrs. C. B. (to Julietta). He's such an active boy. 
(Exits at left.) 



A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 15 

Septimus (crosses dozen to George). My boy, let me 
sell you a copy of my wonderful book. Here in the third 
volume you'll find everything that was. ever written about 
knitting. You'll be simply wild over that volume. It's 
called The Housewife's Complete Manual with five hundred 
ways of cooking eggs. See, here's a picture — 

George (interrupts). Mothah never allows me to buy 
books for myself. And besides I haven't any money. 
Mothah always carries the purse. 

Enter Ocey from right. 

Ocey. Oh, Mis' Bean, Mis' Bean ! They're a playin' 
Spin the Plate in the spare rooms and the fellers is a kissin' 
the girls, jest awful. I thought I'd better git out. Wasn't 
no place fer a minister's son. 

Julietta (throws up hands in horror). Kissin' 'em? 

Ocey (seriously). Right on the nose and mouth and 
everywhere. Big, fat Lucindy Filter started after me and 
I run like old Sam Hill. 

Septimus. Say, boy, lead me to it ! Kissing is my middle 
name. (Starts to right). 

Ocey (pulls him back by coat-tails). You'd better not 
go in there, mister, it's dangerous. 

Septimus. If kissing is dangerous then I'm the bravest 
man that ever carried a musket. (Puts books on table). 
No time to sell my books, show me the way, lead me to 
battle, forward to the fray! (Exits at right, stalking out 
with long strides.) 

George (rises). I think I'll take a nap in my room. 
I've worked quite enough for one day. 

Ocey. Worked ? 

George. Yes, worked! (Knitting). Just see how much 
I've purled. Oh, sugar ! You made me drop a stitch. 

Julietta. Never mind, Georgie, I'll fix it for you to- 
morrow. Now you go right in there in the spare room 
and have a good time with the young folks. 

George. But I can't, you know. I haven't been intro- 
duced. 

Ocey. Oh, that's all right. They hain't perticuler. And 



16 A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 

once you git big, fat Lucindy Filter after you you'll never 
know whether you've been interduced er not. She's the 
kissingest gal in Splinterville. 

George. Aren't they awfully rough? 

Ocey. Naw, not at all. Go on in, Georgie, you'll have 
the time of your young life. 

George. I believe I will. I'm always awfully popular 
with the girls at home. , (Crosses to door right). But I'm 
not going to let any of them kiss me. It isn't ladylike. 
(Exit right.) 

Julietta (at rear center, coming dozvn a little to front). 
Ocey, you hadn't orter call him Georgie. His maw wouldn't 
like it. She's real particular about what folks call 'em, 
though I used to know her when she was only the matron 
at the poor-house, long before she was Mrs. Chiggerson- 
Boggs. 

Ocey (at her right, laughs). Is that her name? 

Julietta. Certainly. She is Mrs. Chiggerson-Boggs. 

Ocey (surprised). Chiggers and bugs ? Honest? (Jul- 
ietta nods). Then that explains it. 

Julietta. Explains what? 

Ocey. I been a itchin' ever sence she set foot inside 
this here house. Chiggers an' bugs, I never heerd sich 
a name! 

Julietta. Not chiggers and bugs, Chiggerson-Boggs ! 

Ocey. What's the difference? 

Julietta. You jest twist yer mouth a little more, 
that's all. 

Ocey. I'll bet a sugar doughnut with a hole in the middle 
that ef I ever talk to her I'll git her name all mixed up and 
call her cockroaches. 

Julietta. Don't you dare ! She'd take your head off. 

Ocey. What's she a doin' here? 

Julietta. She owns the old Biggins place and she's 
goin' to sell it to Ezry Beanbiler. And she said sump'm 
about adoptin' Judy fer a hired gal. 

Ocey. Judy? 

Julietta. Yes, Judy Elliott. 






A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 17 

Ocey. That little clodhopper never could be a hired gal. 
She ain't got sense enough. 

Julietta. Well it ain't our picnic. We'll leave that to 
Mrs. Chiggerson-Boggs. 

Ocey (laughs). I have to laugh every time I hear that 
name. Say, ef the old lady is chiggers and bugs, I reckon 
that there boy of hers is beetles and ticks. (Laughs.) 

Julietta. Don't you get so familiarity when you ad- 
dress him. 

Ocey (stupidly). When I what? 

Julietta. When you address him you must call him 
Mr. Chiggerson. 

Ocey. Say, I ain't a goin' to dress him. I got enough 
work to do on this yere place without tryin' to dress no city 
dudes. If he can't dress himself, dog-gone, he kin go 
undressed. 

Julietta. Ocey Gump, you hush up. Such talk ain't 
delicate, at all. Besides I said a-dress, not dress. 

Ocey. I ain't a goin' to a-dress him neither. He looks 
to me like one of these yere pictures you see in a mail 
order catalogue. 

Julietta. I think he's a real sweet man, I do. And he's 
as refined and polite and delicate as a little teeny, tiny 
rosebud. There ! 

Ocey. Why, Julietta Bean, I bet you're goin' to set your 
cap fer him. 

Julietta. Well, if some folks is too slow to take a hint, 
there's others that hain't. I never could stand a man who 
didn't have no git-up-an-git to him, but jest sets around 
like a thousand legged worm with the rheumatics in each 
foot. (Turns on him angrily). And what's more I want 
you to understand that I'm a timid, modest, bashful young 
lady who don't set her cap fer no man ! 

Ocey. Now, Julietta Bean, don't let's git quarrelin', on 
yer birthday, too. 

Julietta (shakes shoulders) . Who's a quarrelin'? I'm 
jest a arguin', Ocey Gump, and if it ain't a young lady's 



18 A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 

privilege to argue Fd like to know why not. (Crosses 
from center to left front.) 

(Music, eight bars. Great noise and racket off left.) 

Ocey. What's that ? 

Julietta (looks out of window or door). It's someone 
out at the well. 

Ocey. Bet five cents it's Judy. She's always at the 
bottom of everything trifling. Looks like she's at the 
bottom of the well. 

Judy sticks her head in door, sees folks, goes out and knocks. 

Ocey (at right front). Crazy as a bat! Come in, come 
in, you triflin' critter. 

Enter Judy Elliott from left. 

Julietta (at left front). Land sakes, ain't she a sight? 

Ocey. Come here. (She slides one slide toward him.) 
Come here. (Another slide.) Come here! (She slides to 
him.) What was you doin' out there? 

Judy (whispers). Drinkin'. 

Ocey. What? 

Judy (whispers). Drinkin'. 

Ocey. Louder. 

Judy (yells). Drinkin'! 

Ocey. Well, you must be a hard drinker. (She nods.) 
Did you swaller the well bucket? 

Judy. Nope. I jest went to take a drink out'n the well- 
bucket (in sing-song tone) and the rope flew off, and the 
handle flew round, and round and round and round, and 
the bucket flew down and down and down. And all of a 
sudden it hit the bottom (slaps hands suddenly) ker-chug! 

Julietta. Well, what brings you here, Judy? 

Judy. I heerd you was goin' to have a party and I come. 
Surprised, ain't you? Well, that makes it a surprise party. 

Julietta. But you wasn't invited. 

Judy. Oh, that don't make no difference to me. I ain't 
stuck up. You didn't hurt my feelings by not inviting me, 
so I jest come anyway. 

Julietta. Well, I never! 



A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 19 

Judy. I never either, so I jest thought I'd take a chance. 
You ain't goin' to turn me out, are you? 

Julietta. No, I don't reckon I am. You kin stay in the 
kitchen and help wash up the dishes. Only don't get in 
the way. 

Judy (sits on table at right and sitings her feet). Oh, 
don't you worry about me, I won't git in the way. I know 
how to act at a party. I've got real good manners even if 
I am a little clodhopper. And besides I didn't come here to 
git in the way. I peeked in your back winder to see what 
was goin' on and I seen 'em all a spinnin' the plate and 
kissin' the gals. That hain't what I come f er ! No, ma'am. 
I come to git sump'n good to eat. I peeked in the kitchen 
and saw you was goin' to have chicken and ice-cream, and 
right then I made up my mind that I was comin' to your 
party, invite er no invite. So here I am. 

Julietta (seated on sofa). Well, I don't allow one 
more'll make much difference, Judy, though I must say your 
appetite is the biggest thing about you. 

(Ocey has crossed to window or door at left and is 
looking out.) 

Ocey. Miss Julietta, here comes some more folks to your 
party. It's Deacon Hardtack and cousin Jemimy Jiblets. 
and two or three more. (Opens left door.) Come right in, 
folks. Come right in. 

Enter several farmers and farm-women dressed in 
their best. 

Julietta (shaking hands with them). My, my, Deacon, 
I'm tickled e'en a most to death to see you. Looking so 
well, too. Cousin Jemimy Jiblets, I ain't seen you since 
Grandma Spuggses' funeral. How you been? And Lizy 
and John ! Ocey, take 'em in the back spare room. Come 
in here and lay off your things. (Leads them to door at 
right, talking all the time.) It certainly does me good to 
have all my old friends come in to see me on my birthday. 
I only grot three boarders now. What do you think? That 
Mis' Chiggerson who used to be the matron at the poor- 



20 A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 

house is here boardin' with me. Her and Georgie. (Ocey 
leads the extra people out at right.) 

Judy. Did you say Mis' Chiggerson was here? (Comes 
to left of table.) 

Julietta. Yes. You don't remember her, do you? 

Judy. I reckon I do. I was her star boarder at the poor- 
house fer pretty near a year. I was only six, but I 
remember how she used to pinch me till I was black and 
blue and green. The day I heard she was going to git mar- 
ried and leave I sang "Praise God from Whom All Blessings 
Flow"' nine hundred and eighty-seven times. 

Julietta. She was asking me about you this evening. 

Judy. What fur? 

Julietta. She said as how maybe she'd adopt you as a 
hired girl. 

Judy. Nothing doing, nothing doing ! The poor-house is 
bad enough, but bein' a hired gal to old Mis' Chiggerson 'ud 
be a heap sight worse. 

Julietta. Now don't you be foolish, Judy. Maybe she'll 
give you a nice home and an eddication and everything. 

Judy. Maybe she will, but the chances are nine thousand 
to one that she won't. (Still seated on the table.) 

Julietta. You go out in the kitchen and help the cook 
set the table. I've got to see to my party. Don't git into 
any mischief. (Harries out at right.) 

Judy (mimics her). Don't git into any mischief. 
(Snaps.) All right! I never git into mischief of my own 
accord. I start out to be real good, but I'm so unlucky it 
seems jest like the mischief gits into me. 

George (heard outside at right). Here, now, you let me 
alone ! Mothah, mothah ! 

George runs in from right, followed by the extra girls, 
who are laughing loudly. He is much frightened and runs 
around the sofa, the girls after him. Note : The girls must 
laugh loudly, yell, etc., all making plenty of noise. 

Judy (stands on the table and claps her hands). Sic 
him, sic him ! Now you got him. Look at him dodge. Run, 
boy, run er they'll kiss you sure. 



A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 21 

(George runs around table, the girls following him.) 

George. Let me alone! Don't be so rough. Mothah! 
Mothah ! 

(Judy jumps down and confronts the girls at center. 
George crawls under the table at right, the girls huddle 
at left.) 

Judy. Stand back, villains, don't you dare harm an inno- 
cent hair of his innocent head ! 

{Girls run to door at right laughing and run out at 
right.) 

George (sticks his head out from under the table). Have 
they gone? 

Judy (standing at center looking at him). Yep, they've 
gone. You kin come out. 

George (comes out). My, my, I'm so nervous. I never 
saw such a rough lot of girls in all my life. Not at all lady- 
like. 

Judy. Aw, put on the brakes, put on the brakes, kid, 
you're skiddin'. (,Sits on table and swings feet.) 

George (totters to sofa and falls on it, fanning himself 
weakly). Oh, such a horrible experience. Several of those 
awful girls tried to kiss me. And we'd never even been 
introduced. I'm flustrated, simply flustrated. 

Judy. Swim f er the shore, boy, swim f er the shore. You're 
over your head. 

George. I never saw such rude persons in all my life. 
Positively vulgar. I shall beg mothah to return to the city 
at once. 

Judy. Say, you ain't little Georgie Chiggerson, are you? 

George. Yes, that is my name, but I don't remember you. 

Judy. Don't you remember little Judy Elliott, the girl 
you pushed in the snow back of the poor-house? The girl 
you tried to sic your dog on ? The girl who licked the stuffin' 
outa you? 

George. Surely you're not 

Judy. Yep, that's me. I'm Judy and I'm still the star 
boarder of the poor-house. 

George. Then you must be the girl mothah has come 



22 A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 

after. She's going to take you away to the city with her. 
She's going to make a lady out of you. 

Judy. Oh, no, she ain't. 

George. Oh, yes, she is. 

Judy (speaking simultaneously with George). Oh, no, 
she ain't. 

George (speaking at the same time). Oh, yes, she is. 

Judy (loudly). She ain't, she ain't, she ain't! 

George. Oh, but she is. Mothah's made up her mind, 
you know. 

Judy. Then she's got to unmake it, fer I ain't goin' to be 
a lady. I'm lady enough now. 

George (conies to center, faces Judy, stares at her). 
Lady ? You're not a lady. 

Judy (jumps down and faces him). Who ain't a lady? 

George. You're only a little ragamuffin. 

Judy (swings her right arm around and feels her arm 
muscle). Don't you call me names! Don't you call me no 
ragamuffin. 

George. You're a stray, that's what you are, a little 
ragged stray from the poor-house. 

Judy. Well, anyhow, I won't go with your mother. She 
used to beat and pinch me. I won't go with her. She's a 
old cat. 

George (raises his hand to slap her). Don't you dare 
call mothah a cat ! 

Judy (swings her right arm). Come on and hit me, come 
on and hit me ! 

George (slaps her on the shoulder). There, now! (She 

doubles up her fist and fights him like a man, he screaming 

and slapping at her like a girl. She finally strikes him and 

he falls on sofa, she swaggers to right, feeling her muscle. 

. George moans.) 

Judy. Now, who says I ain't a perfect lady? 

Enter Mrs. C. B. from left. 

Mrs. C. B. Oh, what do I see? My son wounded? 
(Comes to right of sofa.) What is it, Georgie? Speak to 
mother. What is it? 



A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 23 

George. She struck me. She struck me with her fist. 
(Weeps.) 

Mrs. C. B. (tarns on Judy, who is at right). Did you 
dare to lay hands on my son ? 

Judy. Yes, I did. He said I wasn't no lady 

George. And you're not 

Judy (springs at him, Mrs. C. B. pulls her off and pushes 
her to right). I'll show you. He said you wanted to take 
me to the city. 

Mrs. C. B. Surely you are not Judy Elliott? 

Judy. That's me name. Yours affectionately, Judy 
Elliott, esquire. 

Mrs. C. B. (changes her tone as she approaches Judy). 
Why, you dear, sweet little child, I'd never have known you. 
How you have grown. 

Judy. Grown, have I? Maybe I did. I made little 
Georgie groan, too. 

Mrs. C. B. Now, Judy, dear, you and Georgie mustn't 
quarrel. Ladies don't quarrel. 

Judy. He picked on me first. And I ain't goin' to let 
nobody pick on me. 

Mrs. C. B. Georgie, you've been a naughty boy. (Turns 
to Judy.) But you mustn't mind him. He won't do it any 
more. I want you and Georgie to be real, good friends. 

Judy. I don't wanter be no friends with him. 

Mrs. C. B. Yes, you do. And Georgie forgives you, 
dont' you, Georgie ? 

George. Yes, mothah, I'll forgive her if she don't do it 
again. 

Mrs. C. B. Now, you see, he forgives you. Now shake 
hands like a good little girl. I'm going to be your friend, 
Judy. I'm going to help you and so is Georgie. 

Judy. Georgie'd better let me alone. I don't like him 
nohow. 

Mrs. C. B. But you must be friends. Now, shake hands. 

Judy. Well, if I must, I reckon I must. (Sighs.) But if 
he ever sasses me again he'll wake up in the hospital, 'cause 
this arm (shows left fist) means hospital, and this one 



24 A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 

(shows right fist) means sudden death. (Advances toward 
him.) But I'll shake hands. (Offers hand.) 

George (dodges). Don't you hit me ! 

Mrs. C. B. George, shake hands with her at once. 

George. Yes, mothah. (They shake hands.) 

Enter Septimus from right. 

Septimus. Well, if it isn't my old friend Judy. 

Judy (goes to him at right.) Hello, Mister Green. 

Septimus. I didn't expect to see you at the party. 

Judy. Nope, neither did Miss Bean. I just dropped in. 

(Mrs. C. B. talks in pantomime to George on the sofa.) 

Septimus. Miss Bean asked me to find you and tell you 
to help wait on the table. 

Judy. All right, I'm ready. Say, Mr. Green, do me a 
favor? 

Septimus. Sure. What is it? 

Judy. Kinder go easy on them chickens. They ain't got 
much and I certainly have 'got a great big number twelve 
appetite. 

Septimus (laughs). I'll remember. 

Judy. I knowed you would, 'cause you're all right. I 
kinder like you, Mr. Green. 

Septimus. I kinder like you, too, Judy. 

Judy. Aw, you like all the girls. I seen you last Monday 
night hugging Liza Lemon on the church steps. (Laughs.) 
I have to laugh. You was a regular lemon squeezer. But 
I won't tell. Only the next time you squeeze a lemon you 
wanter use plenty of sugar. (Laughs and runs out at 
right.) 

Septimus. Here, wait a minute! (Runs out at right 
after her.) 

Mrs. C. B. George, I don't know what will become of 
you. Here you have started a quarrel with Judy and I 
wanted you to be particularly nice to her. 

George. I don't see why. I can't run around being nice 
to little rag-bags from the poor-house. 

Mrs. C. B. Poor-house, indeed! George, listen to me, 
that girl is worth over a hundred thousand dollars. 



A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 25 

George. Aw, mothah ! Why, if she's got all that money 
why don't she buy some proper clothes and things ? 

Mrs. C. B. Because she doesn't know she has it. No 
one knows except myself. That is the real object of my 
visit to this horrible place. 

George. I thought you wanted to sell some property. 

Mrs. C. B. I did, and I sold it. Here is the money. 
Twelve hundred dollars. (Shows money wrapped up in 
bandana .handkerchief.) You take it and put it under your 
pillow. Tomorrow we will return to the city and Judy 
Elliott returns with us. (He takes money.) 

George. Mothah, are you sure she's worth all that 
money ? 

Mrs. C. B. Positive. Her father deserted her twelve 
years ago after the mother died. The child was left at the 
poor-house in my charge. The father went to Texas. 

George. Ah! 

Mrs. C. B. Ten days ago I received a letter from him. 
They forwarded it to me from the poor-house. He thought 
that I was still the matron. He offers me a thousand dollars 
to get the girl and bring her to him at San Antonio. 

George. Why doesn't he come after her? 

Mrs. C. B. Because he is very sick in the hospital. He 
has been a hard man but has made a little fortune. Now 
he intends to atone for his past cruelty and make this little 
girl his sole heiress. Over a hundred thousand dollars, 
George. Think of it ! And she doesn't know it. It's a 
chance in a million. 

George. What do you mean by chance, mothah ? 

Mrs. C. B. I mean that you are to marry this girl Judy. 

George. I ? Marry that little clodhopper ? 

Mrs. C. B. She won't be a clodhopper long, my son. 
She shall return to the city with me. I'll keep her for a 
few months before I take her to her father in San Antonio 
and you must make hay while the sun shines. 

George. Make hay, mothah? I don't know what you 
mean. I cawn't make hay. 

Mrs. C. B. You must marry the girl. Now, do you 
understand? 



26 A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 

Enter Julietta and Judy from right. 

Julietta. Take off your coat, Judy, and put it on the 
table. Then tell cook to give you an apron. 

Judy. Yes'm. (Puts coat and hat on table.) 

Mrs. C. B. Judy, how would you like to go to the city 
and live with me? 

Judy. I wouldn't like it. 

Mrs. C. B. But I'd treat you just like my little daughter. 
I can get your discharge from the poor-house and you'll be 
treated just like cne of the family. 

Judy. Nope, I don't wanter go. Poor-house is plenty 
good enough for me. I ain't proud if I am beautiful. 

Mrs. C. B. But you would have everything you want in 
the city. You'd be a lady. 

Judy. Nope, I ain't a-goin'. It's too much trouble to be 
a lady. Mr. Green done told me all about city ladies. You 
gotta play keerds and put red stuff on your cheeks and 
whitewash on yer face and wear tight clothes so as y' can't 
hardly breathe and ride in automobiles what's liable to blow 
up every minute. Much obliged, Mis' Chiggerson, fer your 
offer, but I reckon I'll stay here in Splinterville. Say, I 
can't stand here talkin' all day. I gotta git sump'm to eat 
some time. I'm so hungry I could eat up the hull kitchen, 
cook-stove, tom-cat and all. (Exit at right.) 

Julietta. Won't you come in to supper, Mrs. Chig- 
gerson? 

Mrs. C. B. Chiggerson-Boggs ! 

Julietta (laughs). I declare, I'm allers a-forgettin' the 
Buggs. 

Mrs. C. B. I'll go up to my room. You may send up a 
light collation. 

Julietta. A what ? 

Mrs. C. B. A lunch. 

Julietta. Oh ! 

Mrs. C. B. I may be down a little later if I'm not too 
fatigued. Georgie, don't eat too much supper. You're 
delicate, you know. (Exit at left.) 

Julietta. Won't you come in now, Mr. Chiggerson? 



A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 27 

George. What, with all those rough girls? No, thank 
you. Save me a nice little delicate lunch and you may serve 
it in my room. 

Julietta. Say, I wonder if these folks thinks I'm run- 
ning the Walled-off Castoria or what? (Exit at right.) 

George sinks back on the sofa and stretches legs out in 
front of him. Enter Charmian Carter from left. She 
comes down behind George and puts her hands over his 
eyes. 

George. Help, help, they've got me again. (Falls on 
floor.) 

Charmian. Don't be silly, George. Don't you know 
me? 

George. Charmian ! What are you doing here in Splin- 
terville? 

Charmian. Don't swim around there on the floor like 
a fish. Get up and say you're glad to see me. 

George (rises). I am, awfully. But how did you get 
here? (Shakes hands with her.) 

Charmian. I drove my car. Sixty miles in three hours. 
And I'm starving and so thirsty that my throat feels like a 
dusty road ten miles long. (Sits on sofa and pulls George 
down beside her.) Now sit down and take things easy. 
First tell me why we are here and then get me something 
to eat. 

George. Why, we are here — 

Charmian (sings to tune of Auld Lang Syne). We're 
here because we're here, because we're here, because we're 
here! (Speaks.) Well, what's the big idea? Why are we 
here? 

George. Just a little idea of mothah's, that's all. There's 
a young girl here who is worth heaps and heaps of money 
and mothah insists on taking her back to the city with us. 
And I'm to marry her. 

Charmian. What? 

George. That's what mothah says, but of course I won't. 

Charmian. I should say not. You're going to marry 
me. 



28 A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 

George (gets on his knees beside her, first spreading his 
handkerchief carefully on the floor). Charmian, you'll con- 
sent? 

Charmian. Well, not just at present, but sometime. 
When you've got money enough. 

George. But I've got money enough now. See. (Shows 
money in the bandana handkerchief.) Mothah sold some 
property this evening and I have all the money. 

Charmian. Oh, I can't marry you now, Georgie. Why, 
I'd have to give up my position and everything. Get up 
like a good boy. 

George (sits on sofa). But how did you know I was 
here? 

Charmian. The chauffeur told me. When you didn't 
come to take me to the movies last night I suspected some- 
thing. 

George. I couldn't get away. Mothah locked my door. 
You know every night after I go to bed I wait till she's 
asleep and then I get up and dress and slip out. But last 
night the door was locked. 

Charmian. Your chauffeur told me that you had come to 
Splinterville. I'm not working in the movies this week so 
I thought I'd take a little vacation and follow you. And 
now I learn that your mother is going to force you to marry 
another. (Pretends to weep.) Oh, Georgie, do you want 
to break my heart? 

George. But I'm not going to marry her even if she is 
an heiress. I'm never going to marry anyone but you. 
Why I go to every movie show in town just hoping to see 
you in a picture. 

Charmian. Some day I'm going to be a star. I could be 
one now if only I had money enough to start a company. 
I'm sick of playing hired girls and maids and one of the 
crowd. I want to be a leading lady. 

George. And so you shall, Charmian, just as soon as 
I get my money. We'll have plenty of money then. 

Charmian. But that's two whole years to wait. And I'll 
be old and fat and ugly by that time. (Weeps.) And you're 



A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 29 

going to marry some high-toned heiress and forget all about 
your little Charmian. 

George. Never ! And besides she isn't high-toned at all, 
she's just a little ragged clodhopper from the poor-house. 

Charmian (rises and crosses to table at right). I wonder 
where everybody is. I'm nearly starved. They told me this 
was a boarding house. 

George (follows her). Do you intend to stay here? 

Charmian. Of course. It's all right; your mother has 
never seen me. 

George. Oh, that'll be awfully jolly. They're going to 
have a party or something tonight (puts money on table 
and takes both her hands) and you'll dance with me, won't 
you? (George and Charmian left of table.) 

Enter Julietta from right. 

Julietta. Oh, excuse me. I didn't know you had com- 
pany. 

Charmian. This gentleman was just telling me that I 
could get accommodations here for the night. You see I 
was driving my car to town and I had an accident. My 
name is Miss Carter. 

Julietta. Why, of course you can. I got a spare room 
all ready. Mr. Chiggerson, shall I have your supper sent 
up? 

George. Oh, no, don't bother. I'll eat in the dining- 
room with this lady. 

Charmian. With me? Well, I like that. I don't know 
you. We've never been introduced. 

George (astonished). What's that? 

Charmian (winks at him). This gentleman is a perfect 
stranger to me. 

Julietta. Oh ! What did you say your name was ? 

Charmian. Miss Carter. Miss Charmian Carter. 

Julietta. Miss Carter, lemme make you 'quainted with 
Mr. Chiggerson. 

George. Pleasure's all mine. (Shakes hands with her.) 

Enter Judy from right. 



30 A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 

Judy. Say, Miss Bean, the folks is done eatin', and what 
I wants to know is this — when do I get mine? 

Julietta. Hush, Judy. Ain't you got no manners at all? 
Come with me. (Exits at right. Judy follows her. Turns 
and makes a "face" at George, then exits at right.) 

George. That's the heiress. 

Charmian. That little servant? 

George. That's the one, but you see she doesn't know 
she's an heiress yet. Look at that coat and hat, will you? 
(Holds them up.) And that's the girl that mothah wants 
me to marry. (Exits at right.) 

Charmian. Indeed ? I'll soon put a stop to that. (Takes 
roll of money and puts it in the pocket of Judy's coat.) 
That's a little trick I learned in the movies. Now we'll see if 
this little clodhopper will marry my Georgie. I rather think 
that if she is branded as a thief that it will put her in her 
proper place, the county jail or the workhouse. (Laughs 
scornfully and exits at right.) 

(After a slight pause Julietta is heard speaking outside 
at right.) 

Julietta (outside at right). Now you folks all come 
into the parlor and we'll have some singing and music. 

Julietta enters from right, followed by Ocey and the 
boys and girls. Septimus, with a girl on either arm, comes 
last. He sits on sofa with the two girls. The others group 
around the stage. 

Ocey (at center with Julietta). I reckon I'm almost 
too full fer music or anything else. Ain't had sich a hearty 
supper since Thanksgiving Day, when I had to have the 
doctor. That last piece of pie in there jist about done me up. 

Julietta. I should think it would. You et seven. 

Ocey (groans). I know it and I hadn't orter 'a' did it. 
I feel fuller than a bedtick stuffed with hay. 

Julietta. Now, folks, we're going to have some real 
citified music. In fact a reg'lar cabarett. I dunno what 
that is but I read it in the paper. First we'll have the 
or-ches-try. 



A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 31 

(Specialty introduced by all. Music on organ, drums, 
kazoos, combs, in fact on any kind of noise-producing in- 
struments you can find % Children's toys may be used. Have 
a good organist and a violinist to carry the air and let the 
others chord in. Play some old-fashioned selection like 
"Auld Lang Syne/' Julietta beats time with a stick.) 

Ocey. That was fine. I ain't heerd sech music since I 
went to the County Fair on the Fourth of July. 

Julietta. Now, Mr. Green, won't you flavor us with 
a song? 

Septimus. I don't know as it will be much of a flavor, 
but I'll do my best if the rest of you will help me. 

(Septimus sings up-to-date song with others surrounding 
him, keeping time or doing some simple dance steps. This 
number might be elaborated into a specialty with Septimus 
and the country girls if desired.) 

After specialty is over, Judy, George and Charmian en- 
ter from right. 

Ocey (at left on sofa). Well, Judy, did you get enough 
to eat ? 

Judy. I got sump'm, but I ain't never got enough in my 
whole life. You jest about finished the pie. 

Ocey. Yes, and the pie jest about finished me. (Groans.) 
Oh, gosh, I wish I hadn't 'a' et them last three pieces. 

Julietta. Now, Judy, won't you sing a song for the 
folks? 

Judy (acts bashful). Oh, I don't know nothin'. 

Julietta. Yes, you do. Sing Polly-wolly-doodle and 
we'll all join in. 

(Judy sings "Polly-wolly-doodle" and the others form a 
Virginia reel or quadrille and dance while she sings it. All 
clap, etc., keeping time to the music and all join in the 
choruses. Judy dances in front with Ocey. Note: Any 
other lively song may be used.) 

George. I w r ant to dance, too. I want to dance, too. 
(Grabs Charmian and dances wildly at right of center.) 
Enter Mrs. C. B. from left. 



32 A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 

Mrs. C. B. Georgie, what do I see? 

George. Why, nothing, mothah, nothing at all. (All 
stop dancing.) 

Mrs. C. B. I'm surprised, shocked. You dancing, with 
your lungs ! 

George. Beg pardon, mothah, I wasn't dancing with my 
lungs. I was dancing with my feet. (All laugh.) 

Mrs. C. B. (loudly). Silence! George, you must go to 
bed at once. It's long past your bedtime. Come with me. 
(Leads him to left.) 

George. But, mothah, I want to enjoy myself. 

Mrs. C. B. Nonsense. We have to get up early in the 
morning and catch the first train back to the city. (To 
Judy.) I telephoned to the poor-house and they said that 
you could go with me. 

Judy (at center). But I don't want to go. (Turns to 
Septimus, who is on sofa.) 1 don't have to go if I don't 
want to, do I, Mr. Green? 

Mrs. C. B. (at center). Of course you do. And I intend 
to love you and treat you just like I would my own child. 

Judy (comes to her). Do you mean it, Mrs. Chiggerson? 
Ain't you never goin' to beat me nor pinch me no more like 
you used to when you was matron of the poor-house. 

Mrs. C. B. Of -course not. I'm sure I never was cruel 
to you, Judy. You were a bad little girl and I had to punish 
you for your own good. It hurt me almost as much as it 
did you. 

Judy. Maybe it did, but not in the same place. 

Mrs. C. B. It's settled, then. You must be at the station 
in time to leave with us on the morning train. (Sees George 
talking to Charmian at rear right of center.) George! 

George. Yes, mothah. (Comes to her, Judy goes to Ocey 
at right.) 

Mrs. C. B. Tell your friends good night and come to 
your room. Have you got the money? 

George. What money? 

Mrs. C. B. The roll of money in the bandana handker- 
chief. I gave it to you to keep it safe. 



A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 33 

George. Why, yes, mothah, I laid it down here on the 
table. 

Mrs. C. B. How careless of you. (Looks all around 
table.) It isn't here. Miss Bean, the money isn't here. 

Julietta (comes down to table from rear left). What 
money ? 

Mrs. C. B. The money Ezry Beanbiler paid me for the 
house. Look around on the floor. (All search for the 
money, Ocey on hands and knees.) 

Charmian (picks up Judy's coat). What's this? 

Judy. That's me white satin evening cloak. 

Charmian (takes money from pocket). And what is 
this? 

Mrs. C. B. My money! 

Julietta. In Judy's pocket. Oh, Judy, I never sus- 
pected it of you. You always seemed a little wild but I 
never dreamed you was a thief. 

All (alarmed). A thief? (All standing.) 

Judy (at center). I ain't no* thief. I never put that 
money in my pocket. I didn't do it. (Pause, looks at Mrs. 
C. B.) Mrs. Chiggerson, you don't think I stole your money, 
do you? 

Mrs. C. B. I don't know. 

Judy. Ocey! (Turns to him at right, he looks sadly 
down.) Miss Bean! (Turns to her at left center.) Why 
don't none of you answer me? I didn't take it, I tell you. 
I didn't, I didn't ! I never took a thing that wasn't mine 
in all my life. I ain't a thief. (Crying.) Oh, won't none of 
you believe me? Mr. Green! 

Septimus (beside Judy at left of center). Judy! 

Judy. Do you think I stole that money? Do you think 
I'm a thief? 

Septimus. No, I don't. It's a plot. I don't know how 
the money got in your coat, little girl, but I'm willing to 
stake my last cent that you didn't put it there. 

Charmian (between Judy and Mrs. C. B. at right). 
She did. I saw the money on the table and I saw her fum- 
bling with her coat. Call an officer. 



34 A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 

Ocey. I reckon I'm officer enough. I'm the deputy 
constable of this here district, but I'll be dog-goned if I 
think Judy stole that money. 

George (near the door at right). Then how did it get 
in her pocket? 

Mrs. C. B. This settles everything. Judy, things look 
pretty black against you, but I won't have you arrested. I've 
got the money back and I won't say anything more about 
it on one condition. 

Judy. What's that? 

Mrs. C. B. That you accompany me to the city tomor- 
row. If you'll come with me I'll train you into the ways 
of righteousness — I'll make a lady of you. 

Charmian. A lady? She'd be a pretty looking lady. 
She's a thief and should be made to bear the punishment. 

Mrs. C. B. Silence! This is my affair. Judy, will you 
go with me? 

Judy (at center). Yes, I'll go. (Looks steadily at Char- 
mian.) But I ain't a goin' to let this thing drop. I'm going 
to find out who put that money in my coat and I'm going 
to find out why they did it. (To Charmian.) You say 
I'm a thief, do you? Well, this ain't the end. (Loudly.) 
Some day I'm goin' to be able to prove who stole that money. 
I'll prove who's the thief — you or me! 

Curtain. 



A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 35 



Act II. 

Two months later. 

Scene : A fancy room in the city home of Mrs. Chig- 
gerson-Boggs. Entrances right and left. Handsome fur- 
nit lire, rugs, pictures, palms, etc. Fancy table and three 
chairs to match, down left. Piano with stool, down right 
near front of stage. As the curtain rises Mrs. C. B. is 
playing the piano. George enters from left and starts to 
cross out at right, avoiding his mother. Just as he is about 
to leave at right she turns and sees him. 

Mrs. C. B. Georgie ! 

George {at right, near door). Yes, mothah! 

Mrs. C. B.. Come here. {He comes toward her reluc- 
tantly.) Where were you going? 

George. Oh, I was just going to take a stroll in the 
park. 

Mrs. C. B. It is entirely too cool for you to be outdoors. 
You must take better care of your health. 

George. Now, mothah, I'm not going to stay shut up in 
the house all day like an old woman. I've got to go out and 
get some fresh air. 

Mrs. C. B. Never mind, Georgie, I'll take you and Judy 
out with me in the limousine. 

George. I want to walk. 

Mrs. C. B. But it will make you so fatigued and you're 
not well, you know. Where's Judy? 

George. I don't know and I don't care. 

Mrs. C. B. Have you two been quarreling again? 

George. Not again. It's the same old quarrel. 

Mrs. C. B. {rises from piano stool). George, this must 
stop at once. Judy has been with us here in the city for 
two months now and you are not making the most of your 
opportunities. I fear I have been too easy with you. You 
must propose to her at once. 

George. But I don't want to propose to her. 

Mrs. C. B. Nonsense, you must do as I say. The little 



36 A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 

money that Mr. Boggs left us is rapidly dwindling away. 
Something must be done at once. 

George. So you've decided to do Judy ? 

Mrs. C. B. I have decided that you two must be mar- 
ried as soon as possible. I received this letter from her 
father this morning. (Shows letter.) He is becoming im- 
patient and wants me to bring her to him at once. 

George. Very well, bring her. I don't object. 

Mrs. C. B. If she ever learns that her father is rich 
she'll never consent to marry you. You must act at once 
and then after the wedding we can all go to Texas on a 
honeymoon. 

George. Now, mothah, I'm not going to marry her. I 
don't want to. I don't love her. 

Mrs. C. B. What difference does that make? You are 
entirely too young to know anything about love. 

George. No, I'm not. Now, mothah, don't get me ex- 
cited. You know I'm delicate and mustn't over-exert myself. 

Mrs. C. B. I know that we are on the verge of ruin 
and that your marriage to this girl is the only thing that 
can save us. Call her in and teach her that new dancing 
step. Then when I go out you can propose to her. 

George. I don't want to. If you make me do this I'll 
sprinkle water on my head and catch the pneumonia, so I 

(Judy is heard singing outside at left.) 

Mrs. C. B. Hush, she is coming. Remember, George, 
I have reached the point where I can stand for no more 
nonsense. You two are to be married by Saturday. 

Enter Judy from left, singing. 

Judy. Oh, excuse me. I didn't know anybody was here. 
(Starts to go out at left.) 

Mrs. C. B. Just a moment, dear. There's no one here 
but the family. Don't go. Georgie has something very 
important to say to you. 

George (at right). No, I haven't. 

Mrs. C. B. (at center). Yes, you have. (Turns to Judy, 
who is at left.) He's such a bashful, timid boy. 



A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 37 

Judy (at left). I hadn't noticed it. 

Mrs. C. B. Speak up, Georgie. 

George. I can't, mothah, when you're here. But I'll 
give Judy a dancing lesson if you want me to. 

Mrs. C. B. (goes to piano and sits on stool). Very well, 
son. 

Judy (goes to George, speaks fiercely). What did you 
want to say anything about a dancing lesson for? I don't 
want to dance. 

Mrs. C. B. But you must dance, Judy, if you expect to 
go to the ball tonight. 

Judy. Well, I reckon if I must, I must. Let her go. 

Mrs. C. B. Show her the new hesitation, George. 

Judy. Naw, I ain't goin' to do that hesitation thing. My 
feet gits all twisted up. I can dance a hoe-down or an old 
Virginny reel, but when it comes to the Bunny Hug and 
the Turkey Trot and the Kitchen Sink and them things, 
my feet jest naturally ain't got no ambition. 

George. Oh, I can show you. Play slow, mothah. (Mrs. 
C. B. plays.) Now, one, two three, one, two, three and hesi- 
tate. 

Judy (dancing awkwardly with him). Do I hesitate on 
both feet or only one? 

George. Only one. Now a little glide. (Glides with 
her.) 

Judy (breaks away). You quit your tickling me! 

George. Come on. (They dance.) Now faster, mothah. 
That's the way. Now around and around. (Dances her 
around rapidly.) 

Judy. I'm gittin' dizzy. 

George. Get off my feet! 

Judy. Quit swingin' me, I'm losin' my balance. (They 
twirl, she falls at center.) 

Mrs. C. B. (comes to her). Why, Judy! 

Judy (on floor). That's enough. It's sufficiency, and 
when I say sufficiency, I'm through. 

Mrs. C. B. (helps her up, Judy limps). Are you hurt? 

Judy. I'm pulverized. (Sinks in chair at right.) 



38 A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 

Mrs. C. B. Get her a glass of water, George. (Exit 
George at left.) 

Judy (springs up). I was jest playin' 'possum. I ain't 
hurt at all. 

Mrs. C. B. Judy, you must be more dignified. You're a 
young lady now. 

Judy. And two months ago I was diggin' potaters at the 
poor-house. 

Mrs. C. B. You understand now why I brought you here 
to the city? 

Judy. No, I don't. You've been awful good to me and 
bought me a lot of clothes and things and gimme plenty of 
good eating and rid me around in your auty-mobile, but I 
dunno the why ner wherefore of it at all. 

Mrs. C. B. It's because my son George is in love with 
you. Madly, passionately in love. (Judy laughs.) He is 
desperate. 

Judy. He don't look it. He ain't desperate enough to 
kill a full-grown Mizzoury muskeeter. 

Mrs. C. B. He wants to make you his wife. 

Judy. Who, me? What fur? 

Mrs. C. B. Because he loves you. The marriage, my 
dear, will take place on Saturday. 

Judy. But I don't wanner git married. I'm a-skeerd. 

Mrs. C. B. Nonsense. Georgie is gentleness personified. 
Just think, Judy, you'll never have to go back to the poor- 
house again, no more hard work or living on scraps, but 
fine clothes, a beautiful little home, servants, diamonds, an 
automobile — 

Judy. And Georgie ! That's the nigger in the woodpile. 
I jest couldn't stand Georgie. 

Mrs. C. B. Oh, you'll get used to him. 

Enter George from left. 

i 

George. Mothah, I forgot what it was you sent me after. 
And I couldn't find it anyway. 

Mrs. C. B. I am going out now, son, so never mind. 
I'll leave you two together. Judy has just consented to 



A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 39 

become your wife. And happiness will reign supreme. 
(Exits at left.) 

Judy. Nothing like it. Say, you don't want to marry 
me, do you? 

George. Marry you? I should say not. 

Judy. Then you ain't madly, passionately, desperately in 
love with me at all? 

George. Do I look it? 

Judy. No, I can't say as you do. Well, anyway, you 
needn't to worry, 'cause I wouldn't marry you if you, was 
the last man on earth and had a million dollars. 

Enter Mrs. C. B. from left wearing hat and furs. 

Mrs. C. B. Billing and cooing, I see. Ah, love's young 

dream ! Georgie is just like his dear papa twenty years ago. 

(Crosses to right.) Remember the wedding is to take place 

on Saturday. „ . c - . 7 , 

Enter Septimus from right. 

Septimus. Excuse me, but I'll only take a few minutes 
of your time. 

Mrs. C. B. How did you get in here? 

Septimus. Pushed right past the servant and here I 
am. (Rapidly.) Madam, I am selling a wonderful book, a 
marvelous work of knowledge, four volumes bound in half 
calf, nearly three thousand pages, to be exact two thou- 
sand eight hundred and ninety-four, two hundred and twelve 
illustrations and thirty-two hand-colored plates. Here is a 
prospectus. {Shows book.) 

Mrs. C. B. George, have the servants throw this impu- 
dent fellow in the streets. Or better still, do it yourself. 

Septimus {crosses to George). Yes, George, do it your- 
self. Let George do it. 

Mrs. C. B. I'll speak to the butler. (At door right.) 
Remember, children, the wedding is to be on Saturday. I'll 
be back in half an hour, so you'd better improve your golden 
opportunity. (Exits at right.) 

George. Sir, you'd better get out. We don't want to 
buy your book. Mothah's got a book. 



40 A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 

Septimus. That was all a bluff. I didn't expect to sell 
a book here. 

Judy. No, you see, George, this here gent is a friend of 
mine. 

George. Why, I recognize him now. It's the impudent 
fellow we saw in Splinterville. 

Septimus (at center). Yours truly. (Bows.) That's me. 

George. But you'd better leave at once. Mothah wouldn't 
approve of your being here at all. 

Septimus. I got a little message for you. 

George. I don't want any of your messages. You get 
out! 

Septimus. But this little message is from Charmian. 

George (starts). Charmian? 

Septimus. She's waiting for you at the corner drug 
store. 

George. She is? 

Septimus. And she's in an awful temper. You'd better 
take a little tip from Septimus and hurry over there before 
she boils over. 

George. Perhaps you are right. 

Judy (comes from rear down between the two men). 
Here, here, George Chiggerson, if you're going to marry 
me on Saturday you'd better not be galavantin' 'round to 
no corner drug stores. I won't have it. 

George. But I'm not going to marry you, you know. 
I'm going to marry Charmian. 

Judy. Oh, Georgie, do you want to break my innocent, 
little, trusting heart? (Sobs loudly.) 

George. Now, Judy — (starts to embrace her). 

Septimus (pulls him to door at right). Here, here, you 
hurry up. Charmian don't like to be kept waiting. Hurry 
up! 

George. But you'd better come with me. 

Judy. Oh, I'll take care of him! 

Septimus. Yes, she'll take care of me. Now you hurry 
over to the drug store and buy a nice chocolate nut sundae, 
and don't forget the nut. 



A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 41 

George (at door right). But, I say — 

Septimus. Oh, say it to Charmian, say it to Charmian! 
(Pushes him out at right.) 

Judy (laughs). That's a nice way to treat my future 
husband. 

Septimus. Look at me close. 

Judy. What for? 

Septimus (bows). And you will behold your future 
husband. 

Judy. But Mrs. Boggs says that I have to marry Georgie 
on Saturday. 

Septimus. Then Mrs. Boggs has made a slight mistake. 
She's only after your money. 

Judy (at left). My money? I ain't got no money. 

Septimus. You know that letter you showed me? 

Judy. The one I found in Mrs. Boggs's room? 

Septimus. Yes. That letter was from your father. 

Judy. That's what you told me, but where is he? 

Septimus. He's down in Texas and I sent him a tele- 
gram to come here at once. I told him that the old lady 
was trying to force you to marry her son. 

Judy. Oh, what did he say? 

Septimus. He never answered. Judy, there's a dark 
and gruesome mystery connected with this letter. If I don't 
hear from your dad in a day or two I'm going to turn detec- 
tive and go down to Texas after him. 

Judy. How would you know him? 

Septimus. That letter you swiped from old lady Boggs 
had his address on it. St. Luke's Hospital, San Antonio, 
Texas. Did you put the letter back in her box? 

Judy. Sure, I did. 

Septimus. Then she doesn't suspect us. Gee, it's just 
like a detective story. You're a lost heiress and I'm the 
bold detective on the trail of the villains. 

Judy (very excited). Yes, yes — and what'll you do when 
you catch 'em? 

Septimus. Why, claim my reward, of course. 

Judy. What reward? 

Septimus. The hand of the missing heiress. That's the 



42 A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 

way detectives always do. It tells all about it in the second 
volume of my wonderful book. 

Judy. But how do you know the missing heiress will 
give you her hand ? 

Septimus (throws out his chest and struts to right). Oh, 
they always do. 

Judy (follows him angrily). Oh, they do, do they? 

Septimus. Sure, there ain't anyone can resist a detec- 
tive. 

Judy. Well, here's one who don't. 

Septimus. Now, Judy, I — 

Judy. Don't you "Judy" me! (Slaps her hands in his 
face, forcing him to step backward, he sits on the keys of 
the piano with a bang and then slips to the floor.) 

Septimus. Stung ! 

Judy (laughing). The Downfall of the Detective. (Sits 
at table at left.) 

Septimus (sits on piano stool). So this is the end, is it? 

Judy. The end of what? The piano? 

Septimus. No, the end of our little romance. 

Judy. I never knew we had a little romance. 

Septimus. Then I must tell you about it. (Duet may 
be introduced here, at finish they resume seats, he on stool, 
she at table.) Judy, come over here. 

Judy (shakes her head and speaks with closed lips, mean- 
ing "no"). Um-um! 

Septimus. Aw, come on. 

Judy (bashfully rubs toe on carpet, head down). Um-um ! 

Septimus. But I want to talk to you. 

Judy. Go as fur as you like. I ain't a henderin' you. 
(Bashful business continues.) 

Septimus. I have something very particular to say to 
you. 

Judy (looks up, speaks quickly). What is it? (Rises.) 

Septimus. I can't say it when you're away over there. 
I've got to illustrate it with gestures. (Pantomimes hug- 
ging her.) 

Judy (sliding a step toward him). Honest? 

Septimus. Honest Injun. 



A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 43 

Judy (sliding another step). Is it awfully particular? 

Septimus {with closed lips, meaning "yes"). Um-um. 

Judy (sits beside him on piano stool). Well, if it's aw- 
fully particular that's different. 

Septimus. Say, Judy (head down, acts bashful, takes 
out handkerchief and twists it). Say, Judy — 

Judy. Well, go on and say it. 

Septimus. Say, did Georgie Chiggerson ever make love 
to you? 

Judy. He tried it, but I told him just where he could 
get off at. 

Septimus. I'll bet you don't know what love is, do you? 

Judy (scornfully). Humph, there ain't a girl livin' who 
dunno what love is. 

Septimus. Well, what is it? 

Judy. What is it? (Pauses.) Why, it is — (pauses). It's 
— (acts bashful, twisting dress). Aw, you go on ! I ain't 
goin' to tell you what it is. Don't you know? A great big 
man like you? 

Septimus (sighs). I got a kind of an idea. You see 
it's when a girl and a boy (hesitates) — it's when they — when 
they — (pauses). 

Judy. I know. He looks at her and sighs, and then she 
looks at him and sighs. Then they both sighs and act like 
a couple of roosters out in a rainstorm and nary one of 
'em got sense enough to put up a umbrell. That's love. 

Septimus. You don't know anything about it. It isn't 
that way at all. In fact it is altogether different. 

Judy. You don't say so ! 

Septimus. I do say so. You see when a fellow is in 
love everything looks rosy and bright ! 

Judy (mocking him). And when a fellow gets married, 
good-night, good-night ! 

Septimus. Now I know what I'm talking about. 

Judy. You don't say so ! 

Septimus. Where did you get that don't say so? I 
know all the symptoms of love. In fact, I am in love. 

Judy. You don't — 



44 A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 

Septimus (interrupts). Say so! Cut that out, Judy. 
How can a fellow be romantic when you're interrupting all 
the time. Now, I have known you for quite a long time 
and — 

Judy (starts to speak, Septimus joins in, they both speak 
together) . You don't say so ! 

Septimus. I had an aunt once who always said, "You 
don't say so !" and she died. 

Judy. You don't — (puts her hand over her mouth). 

Septimus. Yes, she said it so much that it was second 
nature to her. Now my poor old aunt is dead. 

Judy. Is it the same aunt? 

Septimus. What do you mean same aunt? 

Judy. I mean the one who died a little while ago. 

Septimus. I only had one aunt. 

Judy. Oh, it was the same one. Then she died .twice. 

Septimus. No, she didn't. She was a good old lady and 
one day she died and — 

Judy. That makes three times she died. Say, Septimus, 
your old aunt was an awful hand to die, wasn't she? 

Septimus. Judy, I am going away. 

Judy. Where ? 

Septimus. I told you that I thought I'd go to Texas 
and look for your father. So, I'm going away. (Pauses, 
looks at her.) You don't care, do you? 

Judy (sadly, nods her head). It'll be kinder lonesome 
like without you. 

Septimus. Will you miss me? 

Judy. I reckon I will. You see a person would miss a 
boil on their nose if they'd had it a long time. (Spoken 
sadly and seriously.) 

Septimus (rises indignantly). Then this is the end? 

Judy (pulls him back on sofa). Sit down, Septimus, sit 
down. Your talk is just beginning to get interesting. 

Septimus. It will be necessary for me to go away, Judy. 
You see we can't always be together. 

Judy. That's right, we can't. 

Septimus. But why not? 



A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 45 

Judy. Because we are two. Me and you makes two. 

Septimus. But there's a way for me and you to be 
made one. 

Judy. How about you and Liza Lemon out in Splinter- 
ville? 

Septimus. Oh, that's all off. 

Judy. Honest Injun? 

Septimus. Nothing could be more offer. Judy, you're 
the only girl in the whole world for me. I (pauses, coughs, 
chokes) — I — 

Judy (after a pause). Well, go on, go on. Don't hesi- 
tate now. This ain't no time fer hesitation. 

Septimus. My heart is full, but I can't find words. 

Judy. Aw, we don't need no words. 

Septimus (puts arm about her waist). Judy! 

Enter Ocey and Julietta arm in arm from right. 

Ocey. Great day in the morning! 

Julietta. Excuse us, we didn't know as how you was 
busy. 

(Judy and Septimus jump up, she runs to left, he gets 
behind the piano. Ocey and Julietta come down C.) 

Judy. It's Ocey Gump and Miss Julietta Bean ! 

Julietta. Judy Elliott, come here and kiss me. I'm 
tickled most to death to see you. (Hugs and kisses her.) 

Judy. What on earth are you doing here in the city? 
Looking so fine, too. 

Julietta (whirls slowly around showing off costume). 
How do you like my costoom? 

Judy. It's lovely. And Ocey looks so nice, too. (Shakes 
hands with him, he starts to kiss her.) 

Julietta. Ocey ! 

Ocey. Yes, honey bunch. 

Judy. Now what are you two doing here in town ? 

Ocey. Ask her. (Acts bashfully, kicking foot on carpet, 
looking at it, tzvisting body around.) 

Judy. Well, Miss Julietta ? You two ain't been a gettin' — 
(pauses). 

Julietta. Yep, we've been and gone and done it. Mar- 



46 A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 

ried at Splinterville yesterday afternoon and here we be in 
the city on our tower. 

Judy. On your what ? 

Ocey (at right). Wedding tower. And we're going to 
live here in the city from now and henceforth forever. 

Julietta. What became of that man you was talking 
to so confidential like when we come in? 

Judy (at C). That was Mr. Green. (Looks around.) 
Why, where is he ? 

Septimus (comes from behind piano). Here I am. 
Howdy, Mr. Gump. I just heard you got married. Con- 
gratulate you ! Wish you many happy returns. (Shakes 
hands with him at right.) 

Julietta (at left). Many happy returns of getting mar- 
ried ? Well, I like that. 

Septimus (goes to her). My old friend, Miss Bean, I 
wish you well. (Starts to kiss her.) 

Ocey. Hold on there, Septimus. Back up, back up ! 
She ain't Miss Bean no longer. She's Mrs. Ocey Epizootic 
Gump, Esquire, Splinterville, Hick'ry County, State of Miz- 
zoury. 

Judy (at center). My, I'm so glad to see you. Mrs. 
Chiggerson-Boggs has gone out in her car, but she'll be 
back soon. 

Julietta. Oh, we jest dropped in. Ocey's uncle lives 
here in town and he's goin' to git Ocey a job on the police 
force. Won't he make a lovely policeman? 

Ocey. You bet I will. Been in town purt' nigh five 
hours and I'm city broke already. 

Judy. I'll speak to the cook and have a little lunch pre- 
pared for you. 

Ocey. That's the talk. 

Julietta. Ocey Gump, if you eat any more you'll bust. 
That man hain't done nothin' but eat since we was married 
yesterday. I never seen sich a capacity. 

Ocey. All this yere noise and crowd of city folks makes 
me as hungry as a wood tick in January. I never heerd 
sich a racket in all my born days. 



A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 47 

Julietta. When we got off'n the keers we was skeerd 
plum stiff at all them people at the deepott. Ocey thought 
there was a parade or sump'm. 

Ocey. Then we went to the theater. I snum, I never 
saw nuthin' like that at Splinterville. 

Julietta. Ocey Gump, you hush up. That theater 
wasn't respectable and you know it. It was them coca-cola 
dancers from Honoluly. 

Ocey. You orter seen 'em jump, Septimus. Never seen 
nothin' like it afore. Wriggled worser'n a snake on a fishin' 
hook. One of 'em like to skeerd Julietta into fits, jumpin' 
around thiserway. (Imitates humming song.) 

Julietta. Ocey! (She crosses to him and seizes his 
shoulders, forces him down roughly in chair at right.) I 
never was so shocked in my life. You all mustn't pay no 
attention to his doings. When a man's on his honeymoon 
there ain't no tellin' what fool things he'll do. He actu- 
ally spent thirty cents fer dinner. And then bought a nick- 
el's worth of peanuts besides. "Ain't that scand'lous? 

Septimus. Now that you intend to live in the city the 
first thing you want to start housekeeping with is a copy 
of my beautiful book. Here is the prospectus. Four vol- 
umes bound in half calf, nearly three thousand pages — 

Ocey. Hold on there, Mr. Septimus Green. You sold 
me one of them books last spring. And my wife says it 
ain't proper fer me to read it. 

Julietta. Now, Ocey — 

Septimus. Why it's the most proper book on record. 
The physiology section alone is worth the price of the book. 

Ocey. That's jest the part she won't lemme read. And 
I allers like to refer to that part when I get the earache er 
chilblains er mumps er sump'm. 

Judy. Have you picked out a house yet, Mrs. Gump? 

Julietta (seated near her). No, we're goin' to stay at 
Ocey's uncle's fer a spell, then maybe I'll open a boarding- 
house. Don't you think Ocey'll make a perfectly lovely 
policeman? 



48 A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 

Septimus. Sure, he will. I'll bet no crook could pull 
the wool over Ocey's eyes. 

Ocey {struts around). You bet they couldn't. 

Julietta. We've got to meet his uncle at five o'clock. 
What time is it now, sugar? 

Ocey {looks for his watch in watch-pocket but finds it 
gone, the empty chain is hanging to his vest). My watch! 
Heavens to Betsy, I done been robbed ! 

Julietta {hurries to him). Robbed? 

Ocey. The old silver watch my Grandfather Doozen- 
berry left to me in his will. That there watch has been in 
our family purt' nigh onto ninety years. 

Julietta. And now it's gone. 

Judy. Who do you reckon stole it, Ocey? 

Julietta. I know who it was. It was that gal you set 
beside in the street-car. I seen her looking at you, and you 
winked at her. 

Ocey. No, I didn't, rosebud. 

Julietta. Yes, you did ! 

Ocey. Well, not very much — jist a little blink, like that. 
{Imitates.) 

Julietta. Yes, and when you did your little blink like 
that {imitates), she stole your watch. 

Judy {looks at wrist watch). It's five minutes to five. 

Julietta {jumps up and grabs Ocey). Five minutes to 
five? We ain't got a minute to lose. He said he'd meet you 
at the Postoffice at five o'clock sharp. Come on. {Pulls 
Ocey to door at right.) 

Judy. Oh, don't go so soon. You stay a while, Miss 
Julietta. 

Ocey. Yes, Julietta, you stay a while. 

Julietta. Stay, hey? Me? Well, I guess not. Think 
I want you to go galavantin' all around town blinkin' and 
winkin' at every gal you meet. They'd steal the gold out 
of your front teeth. I'm your lawful wedded wife linked 
to you in the holy wedlocks of matrimony, and where you 
go, I go! Come on! {Jerks him out at right.) 



A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 49 

Judy {follows them). Be sure and call me up over the 
phone and come again. 

Julietta {outside). All right. 

(Judy turns and bumps into Septimus, who is close be- 
hind her.) 

Judy {indignantly) . Well, I like that. 

Septimus. I kind of thought you did. Sit down, Judy, 
I still have something to tell you. 

Judy. I won't! {Sits down immediately.) 

Septimus. Neither will I. (Sits beside her, takes her 
hand.) 

Judy. Honest, Sep, are you going down to Texas ? 

Septimus. You bet I am. If I don't hear from your 
dad right away, I'll hit the trail. 

Judy. And. you are doing all this for me? 

Septimus. I am doing it for the little girl I love. {Starts 
to put arm around her.) 

Enter Mrs. C. B. from right. 

Judy. Say, this house is just full of interruptions. 

Mrs. C. B. Judy Elliott, you ungrateful child, go to your 
room. {Turns to Septimus, who is at right.) As for this 
tramp, I will have the servants throw him into the street. 

Judy {at left). He ain't a tramp. He's a perfect gen- 
tleman. 

Septimus {at right, bows to Mrs. C. B., who is at cen- 
ter). And his name is Green. 

Mrs. C. B. {faces him angrily). Will you leave my 
house at once or shall I call for the police? 

Septimus. I don't think I'd do that, Mrs. Chiggerson- 
Boggs, because if you do I might tell them what I know 
about you. 

Mrs. C. B. Insolent ! You know nothing about me ! 

Septimus {insinuatingly). And what I know about the 
father of Judy Elliott. 

Mrs. C. B. {starts back a step, recovers herself and asks 
in frightened voice). What — what do you mean? 

Septimus. You know what I mean, madam. I mean 
the man who is in the St. Luke Hospital at San Antonio, 



50 A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 

Texas. That's all. Good afternoon. (Bows and exits 
calmly at right.) 

Mrs. C. B. Judy, who was that man? 

Judy. Name's Green. He's a book agent. 

Mrs. C. B. And what has he been telling you? 

Judy. Oh, he told me lots of things. 

Mrs. C. B. You mustn't believe a word he said. I'll have 
to have a long talk with you. I don't intend to put this 
wedding off any longer. 

Judy. What wedding? 

Mrs. C. B. Your wedding to my son. It must take place 
tomorrow morning. Delays are dangerous. 

Judy. But I ain't goin' to marry him. 

Mrs. C. B. Oh, yes, you are. (Close to her.) He loves 
you and I will arrange for the wedding tomorrow. (Grasps 
her wrist, both facing front.) If you dare to disobey me — 

Judy. But he doesn't want to marry me. 

Mrs. C. B. Leave that to me. As for you — well, I know 
a justice who will perform the ceremony if we have to take 
you there by force. Tell George to drive the car into the 
garage, it is beginning to rain. Then come up to my room. 
(Crosses to door at left, speak next line to audience.) I 
feel that danger threatens and I must work tonight. (Exits 
at left.) 

Judy. I won't marry George Chiggerson, no matter what 
she says. I'll run away and be an old maid first. I'd rather 
go back to the poor-house. 

Enter George from right. 

George. Where's mothah? 
Judy. Up in her room. 

George (speaks at door to Charmian,, who is outside). 
Then the coast is clear. You can come in. 

Enter Charmian from left. 

Judy. Your mother said to put the car in the garage. 
It's beginning to rain. 

George. I rather think we'll need the car, won't we, 
Charmian ? 



A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 51 

Charmian. Yes, George, we'll need the car. 

Judy. Oh, George, there was an awful row. The old 
lady came in and caught Sep Green here and fired him out. 
Then she had an awful duck-fit and said that you and I 
were to be married the first thing in the morning. 

George. Oh, I guess you don't need to worry about that. 

Judy (at center). She said she knew a man who'd marry 
us whether we wanted to get married or not. 

George (at right with Charmian). She can't do that, 
can she, Charmian? 

Charmian. I should say not. (Goes toward Judy.) 
And do you know why? 'Cause me and George are going 
to be married tonight. 

Judy (astonished). Tonight? 

Charmian. That's the program. Do you think I'm go- 
ing to allow you to marry the only man I ever loved? No, 
never ! It's woman against woman in a fight for love — and 
I'm going to win. 

Judy. Go ahead and win. You got my consent. 

George. But I've got to have some money, Judy. To 
get a license and supper and things. I haven't got a cent. 

Charmian. Nor I. 

Judy. Well, you ain't got nothin' on me. I'm busted, 
too. 

George. But you can borrow some from mothah. 

Charmian. Of course you can. Tell her that you need 
a little to buy some fhings for the wedding tomorrow. Make 
her think you're crazy to marry Georgie and she'll come 
across. Just use a little soft soap. 

George. Please, Judy, do this for us. We'll get mar- 
ried and come home and mothah will forgive us and then 
everything will be all right. 

Judy. George, I don't think you know your mother very 
well. (Sits at left.) 

Mrs. C. B. (outside at left). Judy, Judy! 

Judy. She's coming. You hide in the hall and I'll see 
what I can do. How much do you want? 

George. Ten will be enough. 



52 A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 

Charmian. I should say not. We'll need at least fifty. 
Remember you've got to buy me a wedding supper. 

Mrs. C. B. Judy, where are you? 

Judy. Hurry! She's coming. (George and Charmian 
go out at right.) 

Enter Mrs. C. B. from left. 

Mrs. C. B. Judy ! I've been calling you for half an hour. 

Judy {jumps up). Oh, I must have been asleep. 

Mrs. C. B. {at left). Have you been thinking over what 
I told you? 

Judy {at right). Yes'm, I have. 

Mrs. C. B. Well? {Pause, Judy pays no attention.) 
Well ! ! 

Judy. Yes, I'm pretty well, thank you. 

Mrs. C. B. What is your decision? Are you going to 
marry my son tomorrow? 

Judy. Maybe he won't want me. 

Mrs. C. B. {grimly). Oh, I'll answer for that. 

Judy. Well, if he wants me to marry him tomorrow, I 
reckon I will. 

Mrs. C. B. {delighted, goes to her). You will? Judy! 
{Embraces her, Judy grimaces at audience unseen by Mrs. 
C. B.) You make me the happiest of women. 

Judy. Say, Mrs. Chiggerson-Boggs, will you do me a 
favor? 

Mrs. C. B. Why, certainly, Judy. .What is it? 

Judy. I want to borrow a little money. About sixty 
dollars. 

Mrs. C. B. What for? 

Judy. It's to buy something for some friends of mine. 

Mrs. C. B. Very well. You may have it in the morning. 

Judy {goes to her). Oh, that'll be too late. I gotta have 
it tonight. 

Mrs. C. B. A parting present, I suppose, before you 
marry my son. 

Judy. Yes'm, that's it. 

Mrs. C. B. {opens purse). Would you rather have the 
cash or a check. 



A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 53 

Judy. Oh, gimme the cash, gimme the cash. 

Mrs. C. B. Very well. Three twenties. There you are. 

Judy. Oh, much obliged. {Takes money.) 

Mrs. C. B. Come to my room and we'll make prepara- 
tions for the wedding. Oh, listen to that rain ! 

Judy. Yes'm, it's comin' down sump'm fierce. 

Mrs. C. B. Come upstairs and Til have the butler light 
a fire. {Exit left.) 

Judy {rims to door R.). Georgie! 

. George appears at door right. 

George. Did you get it? 

Judy. Did I? Does a duck swim? There's sixty dollars. 

George. Oh, much obliged. You're an awfully good 
little pal, you are, really. 

Enter Charmian from right. 

Charmian. Did she get the money? 

George {shows it). Certainly. Here it is. 

Charmian {grasps it). Give it here. I'm the treasurer 
of this stock company. Now hurry, it's raining cats and 
dogs. 

George. Where's my umbrella, Judy? 

Judy. In the hall. 

George. We'll grab mothah's car and be married in half 
an hour. 

Charmian. Then we'll be back, Judy, and take you and 
the old lady out for a swell feed. That'll soothe her 
wounded feelings. Come on, George! {Takes his arm and 
they go out at right.) 

Judy. Well, that lets me out ! My, but won't Mrs. Chig- 
gerson-Boggs have a fit when she learns that her little 
Georgie has married an actress? I'll bet when I get mar- 
ried I ain't goin' to run away in a rain-storm. Not me. 
I want a veil and a long-tailed white satin dress trimmed 
with red ribbons and bridesmaids and a six-story cake and 
the hull fixing. And I'll sashay down the aisle {at front 
center. Septimus enters from right and zcatchcs her unob- 
served) and the preacher'll say {deep voice) "Judy, do you 
take this yere man to be your lawful wedded husband and 



54 A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 

will you make him love, honor and obey you?" And I'll 
say, "I will !" And he'll say, "Mister, do you take this yere 
woman to be your lawful wedded wife — " 

Septimus (comes down to her). And I'll say, "I will!" 

Judy. Why, Sep Green, you won't neither. How do you 
know you'll be there at all? 

Septimus. You bet I'll be there,. Judy. Who ever heard 
of a wedding without the bridegroom? 

Judy. It seems to me you're taking a whole lot fer 
granted. 

Septimus. Sure I am. I'm taking you. 

Judy. You'd better get out. If the old lady sees you 
she'll get the police. My, how you sassed her ! 

Septimus. Judy, I've heard from your father. 

Judy. You have? What did he say? Is he my honest, 
sure-enough father? Where is he? Who is he? Is he rich? 

Septimus. Hold on. One question at a time. He's at 
the hospital in San Antonio and he wants me to come and 
see him. 

Judy. Wants you to come? Why don't he want me? 

Septimus. That's the mystery. The telegram said for 
me to come at once and to come alone. But I hate to leave 
you here. 

Judy. Oh, don't worry about me. I can take care of 
myself. Look at that. (Doubles up right arm, showing 
muscle y slaps it with left.) 

Septimus. But the old lady is going to force you to 
marry Georgie. 

Judy. I should say not ! Georgie's married already. To 
Charmian Carter. 

Septimus. He is? 

Judy. Tonight. Ain't it exciting? Just like a story- 
book. 

Septimus. I've got to catch the Texas Limited in twenty 
minutes. The telegram told me to come at once. 

Judy. Then you'd better hurry. 

Septimus (close to her). Aren't you going to tell me 
good-bye ? 



A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 55 

Judy {indifferently). Sure. Good-bye. 
Septimus. Oh, I didn't mean that way. 

Enter Ocey from right. 

Ocey. Say, Judy, have you seen anything of my um- 
brell? I reckon it's done lost and Julietta told me to come 
back yere and see if it was here. 

Judy. No, you didn't have an umbrell when you were 
here. 

Ocey. Jumping grasshoppers and Kansas tadpoles ! I'll 
bet a copper cent somebody's stole it off'n me. I never see 
sich a place as the city. They'd steal the eye-teeth right 
out'n yer head. That was a good umbrell, too. And I sure 
do need it. It's raining bullfrogs, hyenas and snake-feeders. 

Septimus. Wait a minute, Ocey, and you can ride in 
my taxi. 

Ocey. I kin? Gosh, I'll wait all night. 

Septimus. Just wait out in the hall. 

Ocey. Oh, I'd jest as soon wait here. I ain't partic'ler. 

Septimus. No, but I am. You wait in the hall. 

Ocey.' Jest as you say, jest as you say. {Exit right.) 

Septimus {embraces Judy). Judy, I am going away — 

Judy. Seems like you don't do nothin' else but go away. 
Honest, it takes you longer to say good-bye than any man 
I ever saw. 

Septimus. Will you miss me, Judy? {Arm around 

'' Enter Mrs. C. B. from left. 

Mrs. C. B. Release that girl ! Now, leave my house. 
I'm going to telephone for the police. 

Septimus. There's no need for that. I'm going. Good- 
bye, Judy. I'll write to you every day. {At door right.) 
Ocey! 

Judy. Good-bye, Sep. I'll remember what you said. 

Septimus. I wonder what became of Ocey? Good-bye. 
{Exit right with Judy.) 

Mrs. C. B. Judy! Judy Elliott, you come back here! 
{Starts to go out at right when Judy re-enters.) 

Judy. Here I am. 



56 A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 

Mrs. C. B. What does this mean? You seem to forget 
that you are to marry my son the first thing in the morning. 

Judy. I ain't forgot nothin'. I said I'd marry him if he 
wanted me to. But I know plum well he ain't a goin' to 
want me. 

Mrs. C. B. My son never disobeys his mother. If I 
tell him to marry you, he'll do it. 

Judy. I'll bet a hundred dollars and sixteen cents he 
don't. (Wags head during this speech, nod emphatically on 
the last word.) 

Mrs. C. B. What do you mean? Where is he? Let him 
speak for himself. George ! 

Judy. He ain't here. He's gone out. 

Mrs. C. B. Gone out in all this storm with his weak 
heart ? 

Judy. Not with his weak heart, with his sweetheart. 

Mrs. C. B. What do you mean by his sweetheart? What 
are you concealing from me? Who is with him? Where 
is he? 

Enter George and Charmian from right'. 

George. Here he is, mothah. Your little Georgie's right 
here. 

Charmian (at right front with George). And little 
Georgie's little wife is right here, too. 

Mrs. C. B. (at left). His wife? George Chiggerson, 
what does this person mean? Speak, I command you! Who 
is she? 

George. Now, mothah, don't get excited — (starts toward 
her). 

Mrs. C. B. (springs toward him and grasps his wrist). 
Who is she? 

George. My wife. We've just been married by the 
minister. 

Mrs. C. B. (crosses to Charmian at right, hisses at her). 
Is this true? 

Charmian. Yes, it's true. And here's the marriage 
license. 



A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 57 

(Mrs. C. B. stands at right of center, Charmian at right, 
George at center and Judy at rear left.) 

Mrs. C. B. I'll have the marriage annulled. He's going 
to marry Judy Elliott in the morning. 

Charmian. I guess not. George Chiggerson is of legal 
age and so am I, and that annulment thing won't work, see ! 
. Mrs. C. B. And little Judy standing there with a break- 
ing heart. 

Charmian. I guess her heart ain't broke much. She 
helped us get married. 

Mrs. C. B. Helped you? 

George. Yes, mothah, she furnished the money. Sixty 
dollars. 

Mrs. C. B. {to audience). The money she borrowed from 
me. (Crosses to Judy at left, George crosses to Char- 
mian.) So you helped them, did you? 

Judy (faces her bravely). Yes, I did. 

Mrs. C. B. This is your gratitude, is it? 

Judy. You wanted him to marry me for my money, 
that's all. You were just trying to get my father's money. 

Mrs. C. B. What! 

Judy. I read one of the letters from him. 

Mrs. C. B. Oh, you did ! Then I wash my hands of you. 
I'm done with you. Get out. Leave my house. 

Judy. Tomorrow ? 

Mrs. C. B. No. This very night. 

Judy. But it's raining. I can't go out. I don't know 
where to go. 

Mrs. C. B. I don't care where you go. Go back to the 
poor-house. 

Judy. I haven't any money. I'm all alone here. Alone 
in the big city. (Sobs.) 

[Mrs. C. B. Go to that man Green. 

Judy. He's gone away. Oh, Mrs. Boggs, don't turn me 
out! 

George. Mothah, don't turn her out in the storm. That's 
awful. (Goes to left.) 



58 A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 

Mrs. C. B. I will! I'll show you who's the mistress of 
this house. (Exit left.) 

Judy (sobbing). Oh, she'll do it, and I ain't got no place 
to go. I dunno what to do. (At right of center, Charmian 
crosses to George.) 

Enter Mrs. C. B. with Judy's hat, coat and satchel. 

Mrs. C. B. There's what belongs to you. Now, go 
I've done with you forever! Go! (Shoves her to door.) 

Judy. Oh, where'll I go? What'll I do? I don't know 
no one. I ain't got no friends here. 

Enter Ocey from right. 

Ocey. Yes, ye have. You got one. I'm your friend. 

Others. You ! 

Ocey. Yep, little gal, you jest come with me. You're 
a little clodhopper, and so am I, and so is Julietta, and we'll 
all sink er swim together, by heck ! I'll take keer of you. 

(Ocey and Judy at door right, Mrs. C. B. at center, 
George and Charmian at left.) 

Slow Curtain. 



Act III. 
Three weeks later, a day in July. 

Scene: The same as Act II. Charmian discovered 
seated at left front knitting a sweater. Enter George from 
right. 

Charmian. You're back early. Did you have any luck? 

George. No; it's the same old story. I'm not strong 
enough for the job. I've gone out every day for three 
weeks, ever since we were married, looking for work, but 
the whole city seems against me. (Sinks on piano stool, 
buries face in his hands.) Everyone is against me. 

Charmian (crosses to him and puts hand on his shoul- 
der). No, George, your wife is with you. 

George (taking her hand affectionately). Charmian, 
you're a regular little brick. That's what you are. After 



A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 59 

Judy left we found out we hadn't anything at all. You had 
married a beggar. But you've been a wonder — never a word 
of complaint, always happy and cheerful. I wish mothah 
would be more like you. 

Charmian (sits beside him on piano stool). You still 
have that nine hundred dollars. 

George. Yes, but I'll soon have to spend it for rent and 
food. 

Charmian. If we could only persuade your mother to 
allow us to buy that little movie picture-house out on the 
north side. I'm sure we could make it go. You could run 
the machine and I could sell the tickets. 

George. And sometimes we could put on a little song 
between the reels. Like this. (Specialty introduced.) 

Charmian. But it's all a dream. Mother would never 
consent in the world. 

George. Then we'll all go to the poor-house together. 
You never should have married me, Charmian. You had 
plenty of other chances, you know. Men who had good 
positions, men with money, men with brains. 

Charmian. Yes. I know. 

George. And yet you chose me. Why? 

Charmian. Because you w T ere the man I wanted. You 
were my man ! And I was afraid you were going to marry 
Judy. 

George. Poor little Judy. I wonder if she went back 
to the poor-house. 

Charmian. That country fellow who rescued her so 
heroically — what became of him? 

George. I never saw him since that night. I suppose 
he's gone back to the fascinations of Splinterville. 

Enter Mrs. C. B. from left. 

Mrs. C. B. Charmian, George, I have some important 
news. 

George. Mothah, what is it? 

Charmian. Is it good news? 

Mrs. C. B. That remains to be seen. Judy Elliott's 
father is here in town. 



60 A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 

George (at right zvith Charmian). He is? How do you 
know? 

Mrs. C. B. (at left of center). He just called me up on 
the phone. He's coming here at once. 

Charmian. Coming here? What for? 

Mrs. C. B. To see his daughter. 

George. But, mothah, she isn't here, you know. 

Mrs. C. B. Oh, yes, she is. 

Charmian. Has she come back? 

Mrs. C. B. Now listen to me, you two. This old man, 
her father, is an invalid. He intends to return to Texas 
tonight. He said that all he wanted was to see his daughter 
and make sure that she is happy. He is coming here to 
see her. 

George. But she isn't here. 

Mrs. C. B. (dramatically points to Charmian). She is 
here. There is Judy Elliott! 

George (looks all around). Where, mothah? 

Charmian. You mean that I am to pretend that I am 
•his daughter? 

Mrs. C. B. That's precisely what I mean. 

Charmian. But it's impossible. He'll probably remem- 
ber her — 

Mrs. C. B. Nonsense. He hasn't seen her for ten or 
twelve years. He knows nothing about her. Fate is play- 
ing right into our hands. Don't you see how easy it will 
be ? He is old and an invalid and he's going back to Texas 
tonight. I'll introduce him to Charmian, tell him that she 
is Judy and is happily married to my son. He'll be satis- 
fied and probably give you a wedding present of ten or 
twelve thousand dollars. Then when he returns to Texas 
it will be easy to make him send us two or three hundred 
a month. 

Charmian. But I'm afraid. It's blackmail. 

Mrs. C. B. Nothing of the sort. It's justice. Didn't I 
take care of his daughter for weeks and weeks — and what 
did I get for it? 



A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 61 

George. But I'm afraid, mothah; Fm afraid. I can't 
have Charmian get into any trouble. 

Mrs. C. B. Don't be a coward, George. It's a fight for 
a fortune and we'll win. {Looks at watch.) He should be 
here by now. 

George. But suppose he starts to ask questions. Mothah, 
I never was good at answering questions. 

Mrs. C. B. That's true enough. You'd better stay in 
your room, George, and leave this matter to Charmian and 
me. 

Charmian. But it's a plot, an infamous plot. It's down- 
right robbery. We'd be stealing the money, taking it from 
little Judy. It's hers by right. I've done that child enough 
harm already, and so have you! And now you want me 
to impose on her father and rob her of a whole life's hap- 
piness ! No, Mrs. Chiggerson-Boggs, I won't do it ! I won't 
do it! 

Mrs. C. B. You won't? 

Charmian. I will work and George will work. We. can 
make an honest living. We can give up this fine house and 
all this pretense of being wealthy. We can live out in the 
suburbs in a little cottage and work for our money. I don't 
want a fortune, I don't want to rob little Judy Elliott of 
what rightfully belongs to her, and I won't do it ! 

Mrs. C. B. This is my affair. You'll do just as I say. 
What work could you or George do ? Do you think we could 
live on twenty or thirty dollars a week ? No ! You say you 
won't rob the child, do you? Well, how about robbing my 
son? 

Charmian. What do you mean? 

Mrs. C. B. I mean that when you married him you 
robbed him of the fortune that should have rightfully been 
his, I had it all mapped out. He would have married Judy 
the next day and the money would have come to them. But, 
no ! You stepped in with your well-laid plans and married 
him. Now you've made him a pauper — a man living from 
hand to mouth — 

Charmian (interrupting). No, no! 



62 A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 

Mrs. C. B. And when I offer you an opportunity to re- 
cover the chance for the fortune, you refuse. This is your 
love for my boy ! This is your gratitude. 

{Door bell rings off stage at right.) 

George. There's someone at the door. 

Mrs. C. B. It's he, Charmian, will you help us? Speak 
— I am waiting for your decision. 

Charmian (after a mental struggle). Yes, I'll help you. 

George. Shall I let him in? ♦ 

Mrs. C. B. No, you're liable to spoil everything. You 
go upstairs. Leave him to me. 

George (crosses to door at left). Now, mothah, don't 
get us into any trouble. I'd hate to be in trouble. (Exits 
at left.) 

Mrs. C. B. I'll let him in. (Exit at right.) 

Charmian (crosses to left). Oh, why did I promise to 
help her ? I can't do it. I can't do it ! 

Enter Mrs. C. B. from right, followed by Septimus, dis- 
guised as an old man. 

Mrs. C. B. Come in, Mr. Elliott. Your daughter is here. 
Judy! 

Charmian (meets Septimus at left of center, Mrs. C. B. 
at right front). Are you my father? 

Septimus (takes both her hands, looks at her earnestly, 
speaks in a changed voice). Are you Judy Elliott? 

Mrs. C. B. Of course she is. Don't you recognize her? 
This is the little girl that you left at the poor-house eleven 
years ago. 

Septimus. It don't seem possible. 

Charmian. Won't you sit down? (They sit, Mrs. C. B. 
at right, the others at left.) 

Mrs. C. B. You know, of course, that Judy has married. 

Septimus (looks at Mrs. C. B.). Married? 

Mrs. C. B. Yes, to my son. She is now Mrs. George 
Chiggerson. 

Septimus. So you are married, are you? 

Charmian. Yes, father. I am Mrs. George Chiggerson. 



A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 



63 



Septimus. So you thought you'd steal a march on the 
old man, hey? How long you been married? 

Charmian. About three weeks. 

Septimus. Young man got any money? 

Charmian. A little, father, but it was a love match. 

Septimus. Love, hey? Them kind of matches allers 
burn out quickest. 

Charmian. I love George Chiggerson and he loves me. 

Septimus. Did the old lady take pretty good care of 
you? 

Mrs. C. B. Old lady! The idea! 

Charmian. The best in the world. 

Septimus. Well, I'm glad to hear you're married. I 
wanter see your husband. 

Mrs. C. B. He isn't here just now. 

Septimus. I got to see him. You see I want to make 
some arrangements. 

Mrs. C. B. Oh, you can arrange everything with me. 

Septimus. There ain't any hurry about it. I'm going to 
be here some time. 

Mrs. C. B. Be here some time? 

Septimus. That's what I said. 

Mrs. C. B. But I thought you intended to return to Texas 
tonight. 

Septimus. I changed my mind. When my little girl said 
she was married I thought it was my duty to stay right here 
with her for a while. 

Charmian. But that is impossible. 

Septimus. Why so? 

Mrs. C. B. Because there isn't any room. 

Septimus. Then you gotter make room. I'm here for 
life. I'm going to spend my declining years with my little 
girl and her husband. (To Charmian.) You wouldn't go 
back on your old dad, would you ? 

Charmian (hesitates). No, but you see — 

Septimus. You said he had some money. I reckon he 
can support us. 



64 A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 

Mrs. C. B. Support you? It would be better for you to 
support them. 

Septimus. Why, I couldn't afford it. 

Mrs. C. B. With your ranches and orchards and all your 
money ? 

Septimus. Say, there ain't nothin' to that story. I ain't 
got no ranches or orchards or money. Took my last cent 
to make this yere trip up here from Texas. 

Mrs. C. B. You mean that you are a poor man? (Rises 
slowly.) 

Septimus (rises, faces her). Yes, ma'am, that's exactly 
what I do mean. I never had nuthin', ain't got nuthin' and 
never expect to have nuthin'. 

Mrs. C. B. Then you'd better go back to Texas. That's 
all, sir. Good-day. (Crosses to left.) 

Charmian (rises). Now, mother — 

Mrs. C. B. You have deceived me, sir, and the best thing 
you can do is to leave my house. 

Septimus (sits- at right, crosses legs). Not me. I'm 
goin' to live with my little daughter and her husband. 

Mrs. C. B. Then you'll have to find her first. 

Septimus. Find her? There she is. 

Mrs. C. B. Charmian, tell him the truth. 

Septimus. Charmian? Her name is Judy Susannah, 
named after my grandmother. 

Charmian. There is a mistake, sir. I am not your 
daughter. 

Septimus. Not my daughter? Then you two have been 
deceiving me. 

Mrs. C. B. You're not the man we thought you were. 
You'll probably find your daughter back in the Splinterville 
poor-house. Now, go ! 

Septimus (rises). I won't go. This yere is a game 
you're playin'. I ain't a goin' till I've got my daughter 
and there she is. 

Charmian. I am not your daughter ! My father is alive 
and well. He lives here in town. 

Mrs. C. B. Now will you go, or shall I call an officer? 



A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 65 

Septimus. I won't go unless you pay me five hundred 
dollars to keep this whole matter out of the newspapers. 

Mrs. C. B. We'll see about that. (Goes to door at left.) 

Charmian. Mother, where are you going? 

Mrs. C. B. I am going to telephone to the police. (Exit 
at left.) 

Charmian (goes to Septimus). You'd better go. She'll 
have you arrested. 

Septimus. Oh, she will, hey? Maybe there's two kin 
play at that game. How about her tryin' to ptess you off as 
my daughter? Blackmail, my lady, as plain as the nose on 

Enter George from left. 

Charmian (goes to him at left). George, see if you can 
persuade him to go quietly. Mother is calling the police. 

George. What for? 

Charmian. He mistook me for his daughter. And he 
hasn't any fortune at all. 

George (at left). Then it's all off? 

Charmian (at left center). Yes. We'll all go to work. 
We'll buy that little moving-picture house on the north side 
and make an honest living. 

Septimus (at right). Is that the feller you was goin' 
to palm off on me as a son-in-law? 

Charmian. This is my husband. 

Septimus. Then thank goodness you ain't my daughter. 

Enter Mrs. C. B. from left. 

Mrs. C. B. I have sent for the police. 

Septimus. Very good, madam. I'll have them investi- 
gate this little story about my daughter. 

George (to Mrs. C. B. at left). Mothah, you'd better 
let him alone. 

Charmian (at left of center). Mr. Elliott, please go at 
once. I'll do everything in my power to help you find your 
daughter. 

Septimus (at right). I reckon the police will do that. 

Enter Ocey from right, dressed in police uniform. 



66 A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 

Ocey. Who sent for the police? 

Mrs. C. B. (meeting him at center, Charmian goes to 
George at left). I did. I am Mrs. Chiggerson-Boggs and 
I want you to make that person leave my house. 

Septimus (at right). I ain't goin' to leave without my 
daughter. 

Ocey (at center). Who is your daughter? 

Septimus. Judy Elliott from Splinterville. 

Ocey. Then your daughter is here. 

Others (astonished). Here? 

Ocey (goes to door at right). Judy, come on in. It's 
all right. Your paw's done come for you. 

Enter Judy and Julietta from right. 

Judy. Where is he? Where is my daddy? 

Septimus. Right here, honey. (Embraces her down 
right of stage.) 

Julietta. Ocey ! 

Ocey. Julietta! (Embraces her at center of stage.) 

Septimus (in natural voice). At last I have found you. 

Judy. You ain't my daddy at all. Who are you? 

Septimus (throws off wig and whiskers). Septimus 
Green, at your service. 

All. Sep Green! 

Mrs. C. B. (sinks in chair at left). Oh, this is terrible. 

Septimus (crosses to her). Madam, I'd like to sell you 
a copy of my little book. It is called "How to Detect Black- 
mail," and you'll find your full case described on page 129. 

Judy. But where is my father ? Sep, where is my father ? 

Septimus (goes to her at right). I brought him back 
to you. He's over at the hotel waiting for us. 

George. But he has lost all his money, hasn't he? (At 
left with Charmian.) 

Septimus (at right front with Judy). Yep, all but about 
three hundred thousand dollars. And we're going to move 
back to Texas and I'm to be his ranch foreman, me and 
Judy. 

Charmian. Well, money doesn't make happiness. We're 
going to buy a moving-picture house over on the north 



A LITTLE CLODHOPPER 67 

side. George is going to run the machine and I'm going to 
take the tickets at the door. 

Mrs. C. B. And I'm going to play the piano. 

George. Why, mothah ! 

Mrs. C. B. That is, if you and Charmian will allow me 
to be around. 

Ocey (at rear center with Julietta). And Julietta and 
I will come in every night on free passes. So I guess we'll 
all end up happy after all. 

Mrs. C. B. Judy, can you ever forgive me? 

Judy. I reckon I can. No matter what you did, it's all 
come out right at last. I'm the happiest girl in the whole 
country, jest 'cause I got my Sep. 

Septimus. And I wouldn't trade places with a million- 
aire. Me and my little clodhopper ! 

Curtain. 



Mrs. Tubbs Does Her Bit 

By WALTER BEN HARE 

Price, 25 Cents 

Patriotic comedy- drama, in 3 acts; 7 males, 7 females (4 are 
children, 2 boys. 2 girls). Time, 2*4 hours. Scenes: Interior and 
a camp at midnight, very easily arranged. Characters. Mrs. 
Mollie Tubbs, a patriotic mother. Aunt Serepty, a wealthy rela- 
tive. Clingie Vine, a romantic old maid. Mrs. Hickey, a kind 
neighbor. Elsie, a Red Cross nurse. James Tubbs, one of Uncle 
Sam's boys. Simon Rubbels, the close-fisted landlord. Major Pep- 
per, commander of the camp. Nelson and Graham, privates. 
Queenie Tubbs, aged eleven. Scuffles, aged ten. Billy, a little 
feller. Punky, the Tubbs toddler. A refined and delightful play 
featuring a woman's patriotism. The story is intensely dramatic 
and abounds in patriotic sentiment, relieved by several scenes of 
broad but refined comedy. Mrs. Tubbs gives her son to her coun- 
try and does her bit when she takes his place as sentry at the 
training camp at midnight. A Red Cross nurse lends a romantic 
touch to the play and a funny old maid and two mischievous 
children furnish the comedy. The audience will love this poor 
widow washwoman of Shantytown, who at the darkest moment 
has a ready smile and a song of cheer in her heart. 

MRS. TUBBS SAYS: 

"A song and a smile makes life worth while. 

Eggs has riz sump'm scand'lous. How do the hens know 
there's a war over in Europe? 

Some folks 'ud rather grunt than smile; I ain't never heard 
a hog laugh yet, but they certainly can grunt. 

I know that if I had ten sons, I'd give each one of 'em to my 
country and be proud to say, 'America, here's my boy!' 

I ain't never received nothin' yet from my rich relations except 
advice and picture post-cards and I ain't goin' to ask 'em now. 

I ain't much, I know that, I'm only a poor widow washwoman 
livin' in the slums of Shantytown, but I'm an American and I'll 
stand up fer my country and my flag. 

Maybe Simon Rubbels ain't as bad as he's painted, but there 
ain't no angel wings a-sproutin' out of his shoulders and I've no- 
ticed that his breath smells a heap more like brimstone than it 
does like angel cake. 

I've made up my mind and when Mollie Tubbs makes up her 
mind the hull United States army and navy to boot can't unmake 
it. Gimme that rifle! I'm doing my bit fer humanity and my 
native land. 

If every black cloud had a cyclone in it, the world 'ud a been 
blowed to toothpicks long ago. 

And quit lookin' like a undertaker! 

It's the little things in life that count, Scuffles. The little 
things. Why you might have a di'mond ring on your finger and 
a gold watch in your pocket, but if you only got one suspender 
button and that busts, then where are you? 

Hand to hand, foot to foot, shoulder to shoulder they march, 
the rich and the poor, the high and the low, the college man and 
the day laborer, the millionaire and the tramp, the white and 
the black, with one idea in their minds, one purpose in their 
hearts, one voice in their ears, a voice that says 'Carry on, and 
on, and on, forward for God and home and The Star-Spangled 
Banner!' " 

T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers 

154 W. Randolph Street, CHICAGO 




DENISON'S ACTING PLAYS 

Price 15 Cents Each, Postpaid, Unless Different Price Is Given 



M. 1. 

Winning Widow, 2 acts, 1 1 / 2 hrs. 

Women Who Did, 1 hr...(25c) 17 

Yankee Detective, 3 acts, 2 hrs. 8 3 

FARCES, COMEDIETAS, Etc. 

All on a Summer's Day, 40 min. 4 6 

April Fools, 30 min 3 

Assessor, The, 10 min 3 2 

Baby Show at Pineville, 20 min. 19 

Billy's Chorus Girl, 25 min... 2 3 

Billy's Mishap, 20 min 2 3 

Borrowed Luncheon, 20 min.. 5 

Borrowing Trouble, 20 min 3 5 

Case Against- Casey, 40 min. . .23 

Country Justice, 15 min 8 

Cow that Kicked Chicago, 20 m. 3 2 

Divided Attentions, 35 min 1 4 

Dude in a Cvclone, 20 min.... 4 2 

Familv Strike, 20 min 3 3 

First-Class Hotel, 20 min 4 

For Love and Honor, 20 min.. 2 1 

Fudge and a Burglar, 15 min.. 5 

Fun in Photo C, dlery, 30 min.. 6 10 

Great Medical Dispensary, 30 m. 6 
Great Pumpkin Case, 30 min..i2 

ITans Yon Smash, 30 min.... 4 3 

I'm Not Mesilf at All, 25 min. 3 2 

Initiating a Granger, 25 min.. 8 

Irish Linen Peddler, 40 min... 3 3 

Is the Editor In? 20 min... 4 2 

Kansas Immigrants, 20 min... 5 1 

Men Not Wanted, 30 min 8 

Jlike Donovan's Courtship. 15 m. 1 3 

Mother Goose's Goslings," 30 m. 7 9 

Mrs. Jenkins' Brilliant Idea, 35m. 8 

Mrs. Stubbins* Book Agent, 30 m. 3 2 

My Wife's Relations, 1 hr. . . . 4 6 

Not a Tvlan in the House, 40 m. 5 

Pair of Lunatics, 20 min 1 1 

Patsy O'Wang, 35 min 4 3 

Pat, the Apothecary, 35 min.. 6 2 

Persecuted Dutchman, 30 min. 6 3 

Regular Fix, 35 min 6 4 

Second Childhood, 15 min.... 2 2 

Shadows, 35 min 2 2 

Sing a Song of Seniors, 30 min. 7 

Taking Father's Place, 30 min. 5 3 

Taming a Tiger, 30 min 3 

That Rascal Pat, 30 min 3 2 

Those Red Envelopes, 25 min. 4 4 
Too Much of a Good Thing, 45 

min 3 6 

Turn Him Out, 35 min 3 2 

Two .Aunts and a Photo, 20 m. 4 

Two Gentlemen in a Fix, 15 m. 2 

Two Ghosts in White, 20 min.. 8 

Two of a Kind, 40 min 2 3 

Uncle Dick's Mistake, 20 min. . 3 2 

Wanted a Correspondent, 45 m. 4 4 

Wanted a Hero, 20 min...... 1 1 



St. F. 

Wide Enough for Two, 45 min. 5 2 

Wrong Baby, 25 -min 8 

Yankee Peddler, 1 hr 7 3 

VAUDEVILLE SKETCHES, MON- 
OLOGUES, ETHIOPIAN PLAYS. 

Ax'in' Her Father, 25 min.... -2 3 
Booster Club of Blackvilfe, 25 m.10 

Breakfast Food for Two, 20 m. I 1 

Cold Finish, 15 min 2 1 

.Colored Honeymoon, 25 min... 2 2 

Coon Creek Courtship, 15 min. 1 1 

Coming Champion, 20 min.... 2 

Coontown Thirteen Club, 25 m. 14 

Counterfeit Bills', 20 min 1 1 

Darktown Fire Brigade, 25 min. 10 

Doings of a Dude, 20 min 2 1 

Dutch Cocktail, 20 min 2 

For Reform, 20 min 4 

Fresh Timothy Hay, 20 min ..21 

Glickman, the Glazier, 25 min. 1 1 

Good Mornin' Judge, 35 min.. 9 2 

Her Hero, 20 min 1 1 

Hey, Rube ! 15 min 1 

Home Run, 15 min.... 1 1 

Tumbo Jum, 30 min 4 3 

Little Red School House, 20 m. 4 

.Love and Lather, 35 min 3 2 

Marriage and After, 10 min.. 1 

MeniDhis Mose, 25 min. 5 1 

Mischievous Nigger, 25_min.. 4 2 

Mistaken Miss, 20 min 1 1 

Mr. and Mrs. Fido, 20 min 1 1 

Oh, Doctor! 30 min.<... 6 2 

One' Sweetheart for Two, 20 m. 2 

Oshkosh Next Week, 20 min.. 4 

Ctyster Stew, 10 min 2 

Pete Yansen's Gurl's Moder, 10m. 1 

Pickles for Two, 15 min 2 

Pooh Bah of Peacetown, 35 min. 2 2 

Prof. Black's Funn3'graph, 15 m. 6 

Sham Doctor, 10 min 4 2 

Si and I, 15 min 1 

Special Sale, 15 min 2 

Stage Struck Darky, 10 min.. 2 1 

Sunny Son of Italy, 15 min. . 1 

Time Table, 20 min 1 1 

Tramp and the Actress, ;20 min. 1 1 

Troubled by Ghosts, 10. min... 4 

Troubles of Rozinski, 15 min.. 1 

Two Jay Detectives, 1 5 min . . 3 

Umbrella Mender, 15 min.... 2 

Uncle Jeff, 25 min 

What Happened to Hannah, 15m. 1 1 



A great number of 

Standard and Amateur Plays 

not found here are listed fin 

Denfson's Catalogue 



T. S. DENISON & COMPANY, Publishers,154W. Randolph St., Chicago 



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Good Things for Thanksgiving. 

A gem of a book. 
Good Things for Washington 

and Lincoln Birthdays. 
Little Folks' Budget. 

Easy pieces to speak, songs. . 
One Hundred Entertainments. 

New parlor diversions, socials. 
Patriotic Celebrations. 

Great variety of material. \ 
Pictured Readings and Tableaux. 

Entirely original features. 
pranks and Pastimes. 

Parlor games for children. 
Private Theatricals. 

How to put on plays. 
Shadow Pictures, Pantomimes, 

Charades, and how to prepare. 
Tableaux and Scenic Readings. 

New and novel; for all ages. 
Twinkling Fingers and Sway- 
ing Figures. For little tots. 
Yuletide Entertainments. 

A choice Christmas collection. 

MINSTRELS, JOKES 

Black American Joker. 

Minstrels' and end men's gags. 
A Bundle of Burnt Cork Comedy. 

Monologues, stump speeches, etc. 
Laughland,via the Ha-Ha Route. 

A merry trip for fun tourists. 
Negro Minstrels. 

All about the business. 
The New Jolly Jester. 

Funny storie s, jokes, gags, etc. 

Large Illustrated Catalogue Free 




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T.S. DEWISON & COMPANY, Publishers ,1 54 W. Randolph St., Chipago 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




015 907 650 7*8* 






